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How I Deal with Anxiety

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Update: New post, two years later
***

On any given day I’m anxious about any number of things. I don’t relax very well. I feel tense and unsettled at least a couple of times throughout the day. And I worry, because generally I think worry is good.

Of course, not all worry is good, and there’s certainly a case to be made for learning to relax.

The first thing I try to do is figure out what’s wrong.

This is harder than it sounds. Sometimes there’s a clear answer, but often it’s a jumbled and convoluted one. I feel like I’m not doing a good job. I feel like I’ve let someone down. A relationship is in disharmony.

Other times, though, I really don’t know what the problem is. On the surface it appears that everything’s going well, but I’m still struggling.

If I can’t identify something specific but I still feel anxious, I move to a new strategy: figure out what I need to improve my mood.

Very often this involves a search for peace or tranquility. I’m troubled, so I need to find relief—but how?

I firmly believe that you can be at peace wherever you are or feel unsettled wherever you are. I’ve been in difficult situations but felt great, and been miserable while staying on the beach at a luxury resort. These are “first world problems” perhaps, but no one is exempt from melancholy.

The moment of peace sometimes arrives unexpectedly, but there are a few positive triggers:

  • Sunshine
  • Music
  • Coffee
  • Exercise
  • Airports (or travel in general… I love being on the road)
  • Afternoon pastry
  • Nice emails
  • The sense of making progress on a project

However I get there, I try, try, try to find this moment of peace.

It’s not easy. Some people meditate, others pray, others practice yoga or another discipline. I suspect the goal is the same for each of these activities: to find peace and comfort and purpose, to commune with God or the universe or wherever you find that center.

So as I said, that’s what I do. I go in search of peace, however I can find it, and then I go back to work.

And you?

###

*By the way, this post isn’t called “How You Should Deal with Anxiety” because I’m no expert. I can only tell you what I do. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. If you’ve got your own solution, let us know.

Image: Daniela

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263 Comments

  • I’m currently on a search for my perfect (and “mobile”, but I will get to that in a moment) way of dealing with the anxiety. Right now stronger hits of random problems generally make me procrastinate for some time, but I’d like to change that.

    One thing that surely works for me: a cup of fine coffee and 10 minutes of just watching world from my window. I live on the eleventh floor and the people beneath my building are always busy and interesting.

  • Aside from prayer, I lean on my wife, friends or sons to help give me perspective. I usually find out that I’m making a bigger deal out of an issue than my anxious thoughts warrant. People on the outside can help usher in peace with the truth of the situation. I sure love my people…might need to start paying them. 🙂 Great post, Chris, thanks for tackling issues that are relevant to all.

  • Lindsay says:

    Man. Sounds like you and I had similar things on the brain today. I went into a prayer space in a quiet church with a journal and wrote through what was really causing my anxiety. Then I wrote out a simple, straightforward plan to improve that situation. It’s tough to feel so wound up when your worries–including their solutions!–only take up two handwritten pages. Left feeling MUCH better!

  • S says:

    Thanks for sharing this. It makes a difference knowing someone you really admire experiences these same feelings and has found healthy ways of dealing with them. Often times I feel like there’s something wrong with me for feeling this way when there’s nothing major to be anxious about. But of course, it’s more normal than not.

    Sunshine, music and exercise are big ones for me, too. Dancing almost always improves my mood. I also notice how much calmer I feel when I’m either enjoying art or creating it. The latter I find particularly helpful.

    As for coffee…it’s definitely a double-edged sword for me. I love it but it’s a fine line between feeling pleasantly energized and feeling like I’ve been spit out of a cannon.

  • Nancy says:

    Three of my favorites are taking a walk, going to a movie or talking it out in therapy. They first two usually work to bring me a sense of peace. The third one is why I love talk therapy. I start out by saying I have no idea why I’m anxious, ramble on for about 5 minutes or so and suddensly I have verbalized what is bothering me. If all of those fail to work, I treat myself to an ice cream.

  • Emma says:

    Play it away by Charlie Hoehn really helped me! Skateboard, throw aerobie, get outside, just have some fun!

  • Recently, and currently, I’m dealing with serious relationship issues. The anxiety was gut wrenching. So what did I do? Well, I just gave voice to my concerns, instead of holding it in. Things are far from perfect, but I have my peace at the moment. In this case, I let the other person in the relationship know about my anxieties. I imagine a phone call to my best friend on the other side of the world could of brought similar relief, if this other person wasn’t receptive.

    This is what I do. But thank you Chris, for sharing your thoughts.

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  • Steve says:

    I find the best way to deal with my anxiety is a double barreled approach. A walk while listening to podcasts. We all know the health benefits of a walk, and then add in the extra mental stimulation of listening to a great podcast. It leaves me feeling refreshed and much more creative.

  • Melissa says:

    Thanks for sharing! Relaxing is hard for me too! I too worry and feel anxious a lot when I’m thinking of the past or too far into the future. I find that a walk or run can help distract my brain. Or just the “happy” song can bring a smile to my face. The thing that always makes me more present is travel. I only wish I was doing more of it this year.

  • Lina says:

    I take my journal, instead of just write what I feel, I write down my self talking about my worries. This is an example of my own record ” what is it you worry about? ” ” what about see a good therapist?” ” you never know until you try.” etc…it goes as far as it can.
    When I have the self talking only in my head, I got more headache at the end, because my brain talk louder, think more and more questions without answers. But when I poured them down on a journal, somehow it can lead to an answer solving my worries. It is like giving a chance to listen to my inner voice to talk louder than my brain and gives much more clarity. Surely not every time I can find an answer, but made me feel relieved.

  • Lina says:

    **sorry I repost my comment, there were some missing sentences on previous post!

    I take my journal, instead of just write what I feel, I write down my self talking about my worries. This is an example of my own record ” what is it you worry about? ” I’m sad and worry about our relationship, we have more and more arguments, I don’t know what to do ” what about see a good therapist?” yeah…maybe, will they help??” you never know until you try.” etc…it goes as far as it can.

    When I have the self talking only in my head, I got more headache at the end, because my brain talk louder, think more and more questions without answers. But when I poured them down on a journal, somehow it can lead to an answer solving my worries. It is like giving a chance to listen to my inner voice to talk louder than my brain and gives much more clarity. Surely not every time I can find an answer, but made me feel relieved.

  • Claire says:

    Two things usually work out for me. For one I also have a list of go to things to recover when I’m not well (dancing, seeing a friend, keeping my morning practice, taking care of myself with a massage, re-reading a good book…). The other thing that I find particularly helpful is to help others. Rather than staying focused on myself, I find that helping someone is a great diversion to my own problems.

  • JJ says:

    First rule of thumb when I’m overwhelmed by anxiety: Identify if it’s caused by something within your control (or look at each cause if there’s multiple causes.) If Yes, then continue on and do something about it. If not, forget about it. I kinda like Steve Covey’s framework for this state of mind (the Circle of Control): http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2013/10/07/how-big-is-your-circle-of-control/ .

    Since I use GTD, I’ll come up with a list of things I can do about the things causing anxiety. Assuming what’s causing my anxiety is within my control, I’ll write them down on paper or digitized in Evernote which surprisingly goes a long way to paring down the anxiety.

    And since I’ve chosen to ignore the things that are causing anxiety that are NOT in my control, I’ll focus these extra bits of effort on the ones I actually can influence (which probably written down or ideally in my GTD system.)

  • Nik Parks says:

    My wife deals with anxiety so this post sounds very familiar to me. You’re definitely right about exercise. Yoga has done wonders for her. The same goes for sunshine.

    I wouldn’t say I deal with anxiety on a regular basis but I’ve definitely encountered it several times. Going for a walk always seems to help me—unless it’s raining.

  • rick says:

    I have learned when I help someone I have no time to feel anxious. So this can come in the form of a phone call, text, meeting or any other form of communication. Helping others draws our attention away from “me” and places it on the needs of the others in our lives. Mother Theresa did not have time to feel her own acute pain when she was literally scooping up humanity off the streets. It only was given to when she was alone.

  • Charlotte E. says:

    Great topic! My go-to anxiety busters are diaphragmatic breath, yoga, walking, dancing, and really good self care. It’s easy to get caught up in all the doing and not allow time for being. When I start getting wound up, it’s often a sign that I haven’t built in enough padding to pause and appreciate.

  • Christina says:

    I find taking action is what works for me. Even a small step toward resolving what is upsetting me helps alleviate the anxiety. (I am usually anxious about “something,” rather than general anxiety.) If I can’t figure out a step to take then physical release through stretching or other exercise helps.

    I love your site Chris!

  • Val says:

    About four years ago, my boyfriend introduced me to an herb – “Holy Basil,” also known as Tulsi. Prior to taking this, I never have noticed anything different trying an herbal formula. It was amazing. It just helped to transform the overwhelm into a very normal feeling of ‘yeah, there’s a lot going on but I can do it.’ You can take it in an alcohol based tincture, pill, or even a tea.

    Oh yeah, and sunshine, the rest of Chris’ list — spot on.

  • I find that finding peace through anxiety is a two part process. First is to find a (1) Godly indifference then (2) wisdom in the moment. “Indifference” to be willing to accept His will and then wisdom to hear a direction. The indifference part is the most critical. Anywhooo.

  • Ana says:

    I incorporate several techniques in order to become more resilient to stress and anxiety. I pray, meditate, do yoga, get at least 8 hours of sleep, I write about things I am thankful for, I limit my access to bad or sad news, violent and crime shows on TV, I exercise, do deep breathing, eat more vegetables and fruits, limit my sugar and salt intake, stretch, stop and smell the roses, read inspiring books on happiness, do things I love like create jewelry, spend time with my son, dance, listen to music of all varieties, and watch comedies. It’s a whole way of life, but it really helps you in the eb and flow of life’s journey.

  • Anxiety always has two components and each must be dealt with independently of the other.

    1. The obvious: The situation you are anxious about. Dealing with this is like problem solving. However you can creatively engage the issue, great. For me, writing helps. Asking a long series of questions help, going for walks helps, talking to mentors, my girl friend, my business associates help.

    2. The less obvious (more important): Anxiety is a BIG opportunity. It is a chance to face the fact that basically life always has the final say in what happens to us. We are all ultimately vulnerable and just hanging in there. Like a friend of mine said: ‘This whole thing is a crashing airplane!’ I know that may sound pessimistic, but it is just how things are. Eventually it all goes away and we don’t know how or when or even why. Facing this fact is the key to equanimity and courage. The way I face this fact is by letting myself be totally at the mercy of the feeling of ‘anxiety’ without doing anything about it at all! Just feeling the feeling and not trusting any thought to tell me the truth or try to control the outcome…just sitting with it and letting it be as it is and letting me be as I am. Thats how I deal with that one. The result of this method is sweeter than any solution to a problem…in my experience.

    Alan

  • Cheryl says:

    Drive. Get in the car, tune up the tunes and drive. Music is an instant mood-changer. Walk. There’s usually very little that a two mile walk can’t give you some perspective on. Usually when dealing with anxiety it’s because we have something we need to take action on, but instead have it rolling around in our brains. Another huge thing I’ve learned from my 53 years is this…the only person you can ‘fix’ is yourself. Trying to fix others is futile, and creates anxiety.

  • Kathryn says:

    I’m like you, I stay very conscious, aware. If I get out of alignment I just take some deep breaths and try and work my way up the emotional scale to at least well being. If I can get there I’m then in a much better place…but it’s a lot of work, a lot of work! Especially lately as I keep falling out of alignment. If I’m at home I go sit on the floor with my animals and that always does the trick…if I’m at work I take deep breaths and take a short walk around the building.

  • Kevin Smith says:

    This email/post/article made my day. Why? Well, I have been on vacation for 3 weeks at my happy beach place, yet a couple days in, I felt a huge wave of anxiety. I haven’t felt this much in a long time. I knew I had to figure out where it was coming from so I could emote and deal and take care of myself and feel better and actually enjoy my vacation. I found a trigger for it and called a family member and cried for an hour… very cathartic hahaha. I felt better for a few days and then another wave came. I couldn’t trace the root which really scared me but I reminded myself that I’ve been here done that before. I just decided to feel it and let it hang out with me on vacation until it was ready to leave. I went to the gym, hung with a friend, cruised in the car and listened to tunes, worked on my tan, meditated, worked on my job hunt, scheduled an appt with my therapist, and just accepted it. I’m feeling much better. It’s too funny how when I was working hard and wearing 10 hats in the dead of winter I had no anxiety yet when I imagined summer paradise, I had an anxiety attack upon my dream escape hahaha. #firstworldproblems :)!

  • Cynthia says:

    I talk to my dad. He died many years ago when he was 47 and I was still in school. We were quite estranged at the time and hadn’t talked for 9 months. We have a great relationship now! I talk to him all the time. As I build my new business, I am frequently stressed out and scared. But he always tells me that he’s got my back, and not to worry.

  • Hannah Rose says:

    I think any time spent outdoors around animals is very calming. Think sheep, goats, horses, cows, alpacas, even chickens. They share our planet, but they are not the anxiety-causers. They are often gentle. They seem to communicate serenity. What I hate about it is that I am at the top of the food chain and they are not. I value their easy manner and quiet company.

  • Breathing exercises. Walking. Hugs. Watching my favorite comedian. Coloring. Drum circles. Acknowledging gratitude for even the seemingly littlest things. Feeling my feet flat on the earth. Swimming in salt water. Asking about other people’s stories. Give what I wish I was receiving. Energy Healing or Massage. Acting silly. Playing with kids.

  • Kim Ebinger says:

    What a wonderful post! Our moods can serve as great beacons for us and when we realize that shifting our mood changes the way in which we see a situation, we feel empowered and delighted by the results!

  • Cara says:

    What a good question for today. I’m glad I read this. I do a lot of self-checking when I feel extremely anxious. Some mild pangs of anxiety I try to transform into alertness (I always feel anxious before flying), but the heavier more generalized anxiety, I need to check in with myself.

    Am I getting enough sleep? How have I been eating? Is there something that I have been procrastinating on? Have I had enough time to myself? What are my expectations in this situation? Am I asking too little of myself or too much? I like to write out my thoughts, listen to music, exercise and meditate. But nothing is better than facing some of these sources head on.

    The last thing I do, especially if all of the above doesn’t work is to just feel it and be okay with it. As they say, the thing we resist persists. It’s amazing how many of us are walking around functioning with this stuff. 🙂 Good question Chris!!

  • Alicia says:

    Talking to strangers is a must when I’m anxious – maybe I go buy coffee just to stand in line and talk to the barista. Maybe it’s a smile on the street and a random compliment (there is always someone out there with great jewelry or shoes!). Buying flowers for a coworker works too. Pulling the focus off of myself and putting energy into someone else tends to keep my mind occupied and gives me some space.

  • Yea, I totally get this my friends laugh when I say that I wake up w/ my internal Paul Revere,
    “Something’s Coming, Something’s coming.” My mind is always on the scout for something I need to watch out for.
    Which is why my morning routine really helps anchor or put a foundation down for my day: meditation, prayer, writing and exercise.
    I’ve also been incorporating this neuroscience “hack” for on the spot anxiety – its been super helpful.
    http://www.studiesshow.us/keeping-calm-is-a-science/

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  • Wendy says:

    Thanks Chris – it’s comforting and calming to know that you (who appears to have the world by the tail) have run-of-the-mill anxiety too. Not as a means of commiseration, but for normalcy!

    A bit of sunshine or change of scenery usually does it for me, but my University Stats professor gave me this one piece of advice that I’ve never forgotten and often impart on my kids as well:

    “Anticipation is usually greater than expectation”, meaning the worrying is usually much worse than the outcome. So true. And I ended up passing Stats (by the skin of my teeth) 😉

    Ps, loved meeting you in Vancouver last weekend! Woot!

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