The Life You Want and the Life You’re Supposed to Lead

As I wrote last week (How to Practice Disappointing People), there’s a built-in conflict between pleasing other people and pleasing yourself. The conflict might not come up all the time, but it occurs often enough to be a real challenge.

Furthermore, it’s not something you have to figure out just once! Over and over throughout life, you’ll be faced with choices over whether you should accommodate someone else’s wishes or stand firm.

The conflict is particularly intense when you’re young and making Big Decisions about your future. Some choices matter more than others, and you want to get the crucial ones right.

What I can tell you is that there IS a best answer.

Too often, we hear that it “doesn’t matter” which path you choose. Well, of course it does! Sure, there’s more than one option, but that’s not the same as saying “all roads lead to the same place.” Some roads are boring. Some roads take you places you don’t want to go. Worst of all, some roads lead you away from a more meaningful and fulfilling choice.

Let’s call this the brave choice, the life you want to live. The stirring you feel, the calling, the inner voice—something is guiding you to the brave choice.

Then of course, you have all the other voices as well—the self-doubt, the well-meaning parents and friends, the people in your life who should understand you the most but somehow don’t understand you at all.

So that’s why it’s hard.

• The Life You Want – What you know in your heart is best
• The Life You’re Supposed to Lead – What you constantly feel nudged toward

In these situations, it might help to think about costs and benefits. What do you gain and what do you lose with each choice?

Often, we overestimate one side of the ledger. For example, we think that everyone will hate us if we pursue a more self-focused path. In reality, most people won’t think much about it at all! They have their own lives to lead, their own problems to worry about. (This is good to keep in mind.)

Meanwhile, some other people might actually admire us for choosing that path; it could give them hope for their own choices.

It’s also helpful to think about the possibility of regret. Simply put, as you’re considering options, which choice will you regret more? It’s not usually that hard to discover the answer.

In between the life you have now and the life you want, there is a third area to be mindful of. This is the life other people want you to lead.

This is usually a life you want to avoid.

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