Change Your Narrative in a Believable Way
Stories are all-powerful. If you want to write a hit screenplay, give a viral TED talk, or just close the sale … you need a good story.
The stories we tell ourselves are no exception. These stories often take on a running monologue of self-analysis. We can uplift and encourage ourselves, or we can criticize and discourage ourselves.
The narrative becomes all the more powerful when it arrives from a primary source. After all, who knows you better than you know yourself?
Of course, one of these narratives—the uplifting one—is much better than the other. If you find yourself repeatedly telling yourself a critical story, you’d be well served by changing the narrative.
But here lies a problem. Most of us can’t just decide to be positive all of a sudden. It’s not a switch we can flip on when we find ourself in a darkened room.
Why not? Because stories are powerful! If you already believe one story, swapping it out for another can be difficult.
Telling someone to change their narrative can be a lot like telling a stressed-out person to relax: it doesn’t tend to be very effective.
The Solution Is to Choose a Believable Narrative
I’m not usually a fan of saying “be realistic,” because reality is constructed. You can change your reality. Your reality may be subjectively (or even objectively) different from someone else’s.
In this case, though, being realistic—by your own standard of what you believe—can be helpful. After all, you have to believe the narrative you’re trying to adopt!
If you struggle with sticking to a habit, the wrong approach would be to tell yourself a story that you’ll never fail again:
It’s been hard to exercise, but starting tomorrow you’ll run five miles every morning. You’ll never forget to stretch. Three times a week you’ll be in the gym to lift weights, and in your spare time you’ll go to yoga class. Get to work!
The better way is to first figure out a story you can believe. Such as:
Sticking with an exercise plan has been tough, but you can always restart if you get off track. Have some workout clothes ready so you can get outside first thing in the morning. Just do that tomorrow and then worry about the next day from there!
Naturally, I’ve been trying out this experiment on myself. The new book I’m writing is taking longer than I’d prefer. It’s been a struggle to finalize the chapter selection and find the flow.
At some point in the process, my inner narrative around the book became quite negative:
You’ll never finish this book. What made you think you could write it in the first place? Your best days of book-writing are behind you. (and so on…)
Of course, this narrative isn’t very helpful. You don’t need a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology to see that the narrative was undermining the actual work, either somewhat or considerably.
But the counter-narrative seemed implausible to me. I couldn’t simply tell myself:
This book is going to be amazing. You’re a great writer. Just sit in the chair and the chapters will flow. 1,000 words a day is your quota? Make it 2,000!
Why couldn’t I just tell myself this? Because I wouldn’t believe it.
I’ve been trying to develop a believable narrative, one that will be more positive while also being possible. Something like:
Hey, this is hard but you’ve been here before. If you hide from the work, nothing will happen—but if you sit with it, eventually you’ll get somewhere. You might not get 1,000 words today, but is there one case study you can outline? One sidebar? One chapter introduction? Just start with that and then see what happens.
You get the idea. (And yeah, when I talk to myself I tend to be wordy.)
The Best Narrative Is Positive But Believable
Think of it this way: you have to believe in yourself, and you have to believe yourself.
Continuously telling negative stories about yourself has consequences. Over time, you start to model the very behavior you’re blaming yourself for, and the cycle is hard to break.
Instead of overpromising (“everything will be wonderful”) find a way to tell yourself something uplifting/positive/helpful and realistic.
What conditions do you need for your believable narrative? What will you change to feel the way you want to feel?
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