Just say no. Assert your boundaries. You can’t do it all.
There’s a time and a place for everything, sure, but is that always the best advice?
Whenever I hear things like “Say no five times for every time you say yes,” I think… “Really?” I take the opposite approach, and it generally works out just fine.
I think that the “say no to almost everything” advice is good for masters. If you’re at the height of your career or skill, it makes sense to be highly selective. If Tiger Woods says no to everything but practicing his swing every day, I get it. If Serena Williams never wants to leave the court, I understand.
But most of us are not Tigers or Serenas yet. Not all of us know what we want to do; not everyone is single-minded towards the pursuit of only one goal. Some of us have more than one passion.
So that’s the idea: why not try it all? Have your cake and eat it too.
I’ve written about living a renaissance life a few times before—see here and here, for example—but this is a different approach. Try this, for example:
Higher Education: sign up for the maximum number of credits. You can drop any classes that aren’t a good fit, but maybe you just have a busy semester of learning. Why not?
Business: Have four ideas and aren’t sure which to pursue? Launch all four. Stick with the one or two that gains traction in the marketplace. Don’t worry about the others.
Learning: Get a dozen magazine subscriptions. As for me, I subscribe to the Economist, Outside, Harper’s, Maclean’s, New Yorker, Wired, Money, Runner’s World, and several others. (I realize the list could be more diverse. At the bookstore, I read other things too.)
Music and the Arts: Play one instrument? Learn to play others. You may not become a master at all of them, but learning the basics can be a lot of fun. (Similarly, if you paint in one medium, why not try out three others?)
Everything Else: I’m sure you can add to the list. Want to? Leave your ideas in the comments and I’ll update the post accordingly.
I’m interested in simplicity and minimalism (more on that at some point), but not at the expense of missing anything.
If you’re not a master yet, or if you have more than one passion, why not try it all? You might find something unexpected… and welcome.
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October 12, 2009
Michelle Russell
(cont.)
@Charlotte – Good for you! No, I don’t have kids, but I also don’t have enough in savings to be able to quit my job and focus on my solopreneur business. I’ve started, and in a year I’ve saved enough to support myself for . . . about three months. You’re absolutely right that there won’t ever be a moment that the stars align and things become magically “right”—but there are practical considerations, such as not particularly wanting to live on the street. ;o)
I’ve also had the epiphany in the past that you can do pretty much anything you want to, but not everything. Time, alas, is so finite!
October 12, 2009
Annabel Candy
I think you have to say no to some things and some people. But it does make sense to cast your net wide and use the trial and error method at times. If you don’t try something it won’t work.
With experience you do learn what does and doesn’t work so you can ovoid the scatter gun approach then and focus on just doing the things which you know from experience get results or make you feel good.
There are some good things that come from getting older:)
October 12, 2009
Brendan Miller
The bit about classes I can’t disagree with more. It’s a total waste of time to try to max out your credits every quarter, unless you are trying to graduate faster for financial reasons.
People are successful because who are focused, who continually improve some core skill.
October 12, 2009
Carmen Sisson
Finally, a place where I feel like I belong. I’m in the middle of a major life change, and suddenly the world is wide open. A 14-year relationship just ended, and out of necessity, I’m moving. If I listened to everyone’s advice, I’d be an emotional mess. All I hear is: “How will you support yourself? Can you afford to live in ________? Don’t you think you should give up this freelance thing and get a ‘real’ job?” Sometimes, like today, when the bills are high and the bank account is low, it gets to me.
But as someone said earlier, saying no is often a way to stay safe. A year ago, I was safe. Bored. Lonely. Cagey with a wildness everyone called a “midlife crisis.” Now that I’m single, I realize it’s not a midlife crisis — it’s an awakening. Since I don’t know where I’m going or what I want, why not try it all? I might just land on the life of my dreams.
Thanks. I needed to read this today.
October 12, 2009
Grant R. Nieddu
Can I say: ‘That’s what I am FREAKIN’ talkin’ about’?
Thank GOD somebody said it. I tell people all the time: If I had to pencil in A:This or B:That, I would write in C:Both. Forget YOU, Scantron!
October 12, 2009
Matthew
@Brendan Miller
I’m curious as to why you so strongly disagree with the bit about classes? I’m taking 22 hours this semester, and am glad that I am. It does take a bit of care picking out classes that won’t over-burden one. However, what is the reason for taking only 15 hours a semester (the average)? That’s about a part-time job… Why not make it full time, since that’s what it should be seen as, a job?
Just trying to better understand your view.
October 12, 2009
Victoria
It’s important to have an open mind and optimistic attitude about “saying yes” in the sense that you should not try to burden your decisions with preconceived notions. For example, saying no to something or someone because you don’t see how it could benefit you, how it could be rewarding, etc. etc. The funny thing about life is that it’s full of surprises. You will never reap the rewards from those surprises if you too busy trying to plan everything out and prioritize.
HOWEVER (yes there is a however!) I think that life is all about balance. And sometimes saying no is just as important, if not more important, than saying yes. I don’t think it’s healthy to over-extend yourself by saying yes all the time, nor is it healthy to say yes to something that you really just don’t want to do. It leads to a dangerous path of self-destruction where one is constantly saying yes to things while being drained of their energy.
October 12, 2009
David Turnbull
This is exactly the reason I was never able to choose a specific niche for my blog, instead opting to create the idea of a “Barefoot Geek” which is essentially anything I want it to be.
October 13, 2009
Ian Anderson
Magazines are great for a relevant and relaxing read but regarding taking on too much; doesn’t it all depend on how good your ‘filters’ are for what constitutes a good idea?
Failure does teach valuable lessons, mostly what not to try next time! Ergo, some ideas are best left unexplored in case they divert valuable time from better bets.
The old adage of ‘man who chases two rabbits catches neither’ springs to mind!
October 13, 2009
Akshay Kapur
We’re slowly returning to a world of generalists. The ability to wear many hats comes from exposing yourself to information, people, events, books, etc. Blogging and reading blogs has opened up a pandora’s box of opinions to sort through. It’s a great time to be alive.
October 13, 2009
Scott Webb
“Renaissance life” — this is exactly what I’m doing on my site. This is so unreal that I’m coming across this. I seriously believe this is a new school of thought echoing across the net. I’ve got to review your other posts too.
October 13, 2009
MartinWiedenhoff
Hi Chris,
I totally agree about the YES strategy and would add that although subscribing to a bunch of magazines may open your horizon you sometimes want to
1) Use the Berlitz immersion approach i.e. do one new thing and deep dive right into every aspect of it!
2) Challenge yourself and your boundaries i.e. instead of doing as many credits as possible pick one that you are very interested in but that may demand working really hard to get!
3) Get a mentor that teaches you how to twist a “no” into a “let me think about it and get back to you” since no matter what we think about our options out there the fact is that a day still has 24 hours – not one minute more – not one minute less. At some point you will have to make a choice just like Tiger Woods does!
Good Luck
Martin
October 13, 2009
Leah
I agree that it is so important to say “yes” to whatever interests you. I think the key is to give yourself the opportunity to actually experience different ideas, activities, lifestyles in order to see if they resonate with you and feel good to you.
(When I say experience I mean that you actually do it so that you know how it feels to you.)
It is really easy to “think” that something is not for you….or is the answer to your problems…but until you actually have the experience of it, and feel how it feels to you, your really don’t know.
Leah
October 13, 2009
Leah
@Gary I have an opinion on saying ‘Yes’ verse saying ‘No’ .
When you are in a place of exploration and discovery say ‘Yes’ to everything that catches your interest. If it catches your attention it means that you resonant with it in some way and it is always helpful to explore it. You will gain some great information about yourself even if you decide it is not for you.
Once you know what your preferences are and what you want in life and from a particular part of your life…like your job or relationships.. then it is important to say ‘No’ to the stuff that does not measure up. This keeps you from settling for less than what you want.
October 13, 2009
Jeffrey
Great post, but I wanted to react to this statement of yours: “I’m interested in simplicity and minimalism (more on that at some point), but not at the expense of missing anything. ”
But we are always missing something, so perhaps part of the mastery you reference is learning what things you find acceptable to miss and which ones you’re not willing to sacrifice.
October 13, 2009
Jill MacGregor
This post is a great way to jump start me into my day.
I am really agreeing with embracing more instead standing back and imagining what it would be like if only you had more time/motivation/courage/believe that you can.
I’ve called this year My Year of Learning—and although the impact of so many new concepts/skills coming at me at once can be overwhelming at times it feels so enriching.
The world is full!
October 13, 2009
Brooke Thomas
You know I love the Yes. I’m a big fan. When I decided to make a career change I spent years (four and counting) trying on all kinds of projects- and I did everything from launching an e-commerce site for artisanal food, to writing and pitching a TV pilot, to writing a book.
I dig the renaissance life and I learned oodles and oodles of mega important things by just doing things and sinking and swimming. I learned things I couldn’t have figured out in any other way.
However, at this point I find that being clearer about what I feel totally purpose driven about has been a better gauge. If I just float along chasing every new idea I have (I have a lot, like all day long), then I don’t have the focus or energy to dive deeply into the stuff I can truly make a difference in.
At a certain point, if I want to have an impact (and I do!), I have to decide to become a Serena or a Tiger and prune away the stuff that’s ultimately just distractors.
October 13, 2009
Steve
Great post Chris,
I would recommend trying everything for fitness as well. For some people, running a marathon sounds fun. For others (including myself), that sounds like hell.
If you want to get in shape, recognize that there are 1000s of ways to do it. Take a Capoeira class, then try rock climbing, then go to a cross-fit gym, then try hot yoga, then go running, then play ultimate Frisbee, then go lift weights. Find something that you like, or find 10 things that you like, and you’re far more likely to have some fun and stick with it.
At the moment I’m a breakdancing, golfing, surfing, rock climbing, weight lifting, barefoot runner who is going to start muay thai, capoeria, and crossfit in the next two weeks. Eventually I’ll find the few things that I’m really good at that give me the most joy, and dedicate the most time to them….while still doing the other stuff that’s fun too.
Life’s too short, try it all! Who knows what you’ll end up liking.
-Steve
October 13, 2009
Anna Callahan
Saying “yes” to everything is great in certain circumstances. I go through phases where I am not busy enough, and other phases where I’m too busy. During the not-busy-enough phase, I am sometimes asked to commit my time to things I’m not interested in, and I feel that I don’t have a good reason to turn them down.
During that phase, my best strategy is to pursue some of the things I’m really interested in, say “yes” to any number of my back-burner crazy projects, and then I’m much happier…and on my way to the other phase: too busy. When I’m so busy that I can’t find time for my top priorities, I pare down…and send myself back toward the first phase.
October 13, 2009
Brendan Miller
@Matthew
I disagree about the classes part for a number of reasons.
1. You are likely to get a lower GPA than if you took fewer classes. On your resume your GPA matters; however, no employer will ever have any idea about how many credits you took, nor would they care if they did.
2. To really master a subject it takes more than just showing up for class. You need to dive in and explore the subject. That takes a lot of time. I’m not advocating that you spend a lot of your day playing video games, but that it is better to spend more time learning about fewer subjects.
3. A lot of the courses in school, you will never use, and you will probably forget the material you used. However some will be intensely useful, and you will be in competition in the marketplace with people who also studied the subject.
In computer science Data Structures is probably this course. You will use this knowledge every day, and most job interviews ask questions on this subject.
October 13, 2009
Mike
I agree with Leah.
I took 19-21 credit hours a term for three terms with 400 level courses, got married, and held two jobs. If I didn’t do it myself I wouldn’t believe it.
If left to my own devices, I would run 20 websites, run my own business while helping other friends improve theirs, and start three more side businesses. I have learned that the quality suffers also.
Test your limits to learn them, then you can push them but also check to see if you aren’t taking on so much just so you fail so it’s not your fault. Another little trick some of us do.
October 13, 2009
Ami
Great topic and discussion.
I completely agree with the “why not try” suggestion. I think so many people would be happier if they just tried things that they had not tried before or that they thought they were too old, or too young, too inexperienced or too worldly, too conservative or too liberated, too proper, etc. to try. But I disagree with trying “it all.” That way lies folly and frustration! Try the things that you are truly excited about – but give yourself time to really experience them and enjoy them and perhaps even develop some skill. I think that means limiting the overall number of activities to give yourself the luxury and the joy of really engaging with each new activity. Also, you don’t have to try them all at the same time – why not plan to rotate your interests over time? That way, you always have something new to learn and to look forward to.
October 13, 2009
Omar
I believe trying new things makes one a better person. I never want to be trapped inside a box. Also, I like when people become bewildered when I try something. They think they know all facets of my character. But I just love learning and I want to continue having rich experiences.
October 13, 2009
Cian
Thought provoking post. Keep up the great work!
October 14, 2009
Michelle W
I’ve been sweating my little neurons off trying to work out what I should include in my little biz and blog, when I can create an all encompassing name (that’s a blog entry in itself). I’ve got uni degrees and experience in psychology, IT and communications (writing) and usually get frowns and disapproval from employers and sundry because ‘it’s not focused’. I’ve also travelled across the planet, back and across again. So many things are so damn interesting.
And for so long I’ve thought what’s wrong with me. I’m a freak! And then here you are, so timely, writing what I need to hear and from the comments it’s great to know there’s others like me.
I’m currently doing a small business course. At first, the trainer told me ‘you have to be realistic’. Now, she thinks I’m pretty ok since I’m the one that’s come up with the best written business plan and other students are asking me to help them. You’ve given me confidence to keep being eclectic me!
October 14, 2009
Haider
An excellent article, Chris!
(And some great comments as well!)
As you know, I recently quit my job, but I don’t believe in pursuing only a single option. For one thing, there will always be a nagging feeling of whether you’ve made the right choice or not. If you didn’t take any step at all along some of the alternative paths, you will never really know.
Besides, putting some of your interests on hold indefinitely can be so devastating that you won’t feel motivated to stick to the project you’ve chosen to focus on. I don’t see why people would want to experience such torture!
October 14, 2009
Jean-Philippe
If you believe in the Law of Probabilities (much better in my opinion than the Law of Attraction) you know that even though you have a great idea and you work hard, you don’t know if you will be successful. Look around you. So many good people trying hard and failing over time. There is a random element to it. A lucky break. A chance encounter. Always.
3 years ago I put all my might behind a business and I pushed hard to no avail. This year, I started with 3 ideas and one got the lucky break. I quickly dropped the other two to focus on ‘the’ one!
That’s the reason I really do believe in what you are saying. I hope it helps others too.
October 14, 2009
Bullwinkle
Here’s an article in the NYT about how disorientation “primes the brain” to think differently. I think its part of what you’re talking about with new experiences.
Thanks for writing this one – today I bit off more than I can chew and it was a good thing.
October 14, 2009
Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome
I agree in principle with the idea of not limiting yourself, but for me personally I couldn’t do this. My brain is always full of ideas of new things to do and I love starting but hate finishing. If I don’t say “no” to most of the shiny new ideas (or say “yes but later”) then I’m continually starting things and never finishing them.
If I want to finish anything I have to say “no” to a whole bunch of stuff until the “yes” is finished.
October 16, 2009
kid
A bit late with the comment but been travelling and absolutely offline
I agree that it’s very important to let yourself experience new things. And that’s how I want to see this post – as reminding us of this and of being wary of some popular sayings which are often taken/intended as general truths, while they can only be contextual.
Which means that “saying yes to almost everything” can become similiar unwelcomed extreme. If I try things because I fear I might lose something, it is certain to burn me out shortly and leave in total disgust with myself.
So I’m all for @Jeffrey advice of “learning what things you find acceptable to miss and which ones you’re not willing to sacrifice”, as a way of finding the right balance for yourself.
October 20, 2009
Loal
Beleza!
Concordo com todos vocês! Isso só é possível porque decidi que eu posso try it all!
Abraços a todos!!!
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October 24, 2009
The Everyday Minimalist
I am working on it!
I don’t want to overwhelm myself or my brain, so I’ve just stuck to taking out ONE book from the library to really read and think about for 3 weeks, and keeping my To Do lists small, at 3 items a day.