Something’s been bothering me lately, and judging from what I know about the people who read these articles each week, I bet it’s bothered some of you before too.
It’s that phrase—“Welcome to the Real World.”
Have you ever heard that? It’s usually intended as a sarcastic remark about what someone else has said or is doing.
It might also have been phrased like this:
That’s just not how it works.
You’ll understand better one day when you’re (older, wiser, have a mortgage, whatever)
That sounds nice, but it’s unrealistic.
Let me share something very important with you: these are the things that people say when they want to marginalize you.
Other negative adjectives are idealistic, naïve, and well-meaning. If you hear those words, get ready – someone is very close to telling you about their interpretation of the ‘real world.’
To be more precise, here’s what the real world looks like from the perspective of those who would like to welcome you to this world:
- Remaining true to principles or values is admirable to a point, but after a while we are expected to compromise them in order to be true to a greater good
- No one should be ‘too much’ of anything. If you’re too smart, you can’t relate to regular people. If you’re too rich, you don’t understand how the rest of us live. If you’re too nice, even, you’re naïve for not knowing that the world is a dog-eat-dog place where each person must compete for scarce resources.
- Anyone who is able to break loose and find their own way should be treated with suspicion. The attitude is, “If I can’t do that, you shouldn’t be able to either.”
Please note: the real world is not reality. It is not defined by facts. It is determined by the collective perception of unremarkably average people. They are the people in the Matrix who have taken the blue pill.
Remember that?
Naturally, I have a different perspective from those who talk about the real world. The perspective is: THIS IS ABSURD.
Here’s how I see it instead:
- No one is better than you. Short of being enslaved, no one can get away with telling you what to do without you accepting it
- The best years of our lives are neither behind us nor ahead of us. They are RIGHT NOW, so we’d better take advantage of them
- You can walk away from a good job and have more freedom and opportunity than the colleagues you leave behind
- The widespread belief in deferred gratification—where we willingly put off the things we want for decades in a vague hope that one day we can enjoy life—is a false belief that prevents people from finding their purpose at an early age
- The world is waiting for you for you to go out and see it. No need to pack the Lonely Planet or plan much of anything before you go. You’ll figure it out
I’m well aware what people in the ‘real world’ say about these ideas. They say pretty much the same thing that has always been said throughout history about unrealistic ideas. You know, those notions about how women should have the same rights as men, human beings should not be bought and sold, lay people should have access to religious texts, criminals should be rehabilitated instead of simply put to death, and so on.
All of those crazy, unrealistic ideas that could never work in the Real World.
Response
When presented with the “Welcome to the Real World, that’s not how it works here” pitch, you have to choose whether to ignore it or fight back.
Be careful when you choose to fight back, because people who hold these beliefs are like caged animals. In the long run you are smarter, stronger, and have more stamina than them, but in the short run, you might get bitten if you put your hand in the cage. When animals or small-minded people feel threatened, they tend to lash out at whoever is nearby.
If you do fight back (carefully), the response that comes to mind is something like this:
“Maybe that’s not how it works for you in your world. However, not all of us are sleepwalkers. Some of us are alive.
Some of us have not given up on the unrealistic.
Some of us have taken the red pill.
Some of us don’t want the things in the real world.”
The Living World
The alternative to the real world is to join the living world. Joseph Campbell understood this alternative years ago when he wrote about the meaning of life:
People say that what we’re seeking is a meaning for life. I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking. What we seek is an experience of being alive.
The living world gives us yet another reason to be happy about the world falling apart around us. In the context of losing wealth and job security, more people are choosing to seek the experience of being alive. Some (certainly not all) are realizing that the real world has failed them, and that they need to find another way to make it now that the curtain has been lifted.
Yes, I know it sucks to realize that everything you’ve been told is a lie, but consider the alternative – would you rather spend your whole life believing the lie? Don’t get me wrong, I know there are plenty of people who would choose the lie. They are the ones who say your ideas are unrealistic and you aren’t living in the real world.
But the good news is that the people in the ‘real world’ are losing their ranks, and some of them are ready to wake up. If you’ve already done so, you’re ahead of the game.
You can help people wake up from sleepwalking and welcome them to the living world.
I don’t think that’s an unrealistic idea at all.
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Red Door Image by Jörg Dickmann
April 2, 2009
Lindsay
When a family member heard that my husband would be taking my name, instead of the other way around, she said that I need to “grow up and join the real world.”
I’ll make my own reality, thank you.
April 2, 2009
Chad Prigmore
Wow, what a great article!
I’m 45 years old, and I’ve fought the marketing campaign known as the “American Dream” for most of those years.
I love your line “some of us don’t want the things in the real world.
There are two “Real World” things I will never tell my 10 year old son:
1) Have a backup plan (A horrible way of telling someone to plan for failure)
2) Your high school and college years are the best years of your life (How pathetic is that?)
April 2, 2009
Anastasia
Thanks Chris, for another great post!
April 4, 2009
sulagana
Hi everyone, its great reading what chris says and then what others respond with. i’m a working woman aged 32, an indian, so i suppose my views may differ from the majority of the respondents who’ve agreed with chris. i’d love to believe what chris says, so passionately and so well, but then, people who try the new and the untested, and who fail, don’t get medals for trying.
They face scorn, humiliation, poverty, friendlessness. sometimes, admit it or not, poverty and failure continue for years, and that person is de-classed for life. its tough to get another chance. so its better if one understands whether the blue pill or the red pill suits your temperament. the red pill is addictive, but it can either make or break your life – there are no halfways about that one. the blue pill makes you stodgy and self-serving, but safe as well. lots of blue pill takers have bouts of self-pity in their old age, wishing they’d opted for the red pill instead. but that’s just wishful thinking – they wouldn’t have gone ahead and traded their security for freedom anyway. and for the red pill takers, i’ll say, go for it, but go armed with talent and luck, so that no one dares to question your choices. and to both the blues & the reds – is it too much to expect that you guys at least tolerate each other? you are different people with different worldviews, that’s all.
April 5, 2009
yen
Great post! I’ve been wondering about the “real” world for quite some time now, since I’m at a crossroad on what to do with my life. I’m almost seventeen and will soon have to choose the subjects that will “set me up for life” in university. It’s pretty daunting really.
I want to live out in /my/ world, not someone else’s prescribed formula of it.
April 6, 2009
Genevieve
super kudus Chris. I don’t know how I missed this article earlier.
I get told often that I’m unrealistic or naive. Now that I have a daughter those comments, mostly by my family, have multiplied. Apparently even if nothing else was going to ground me to the “real world,” the demands of childcare, working, safety, school and support networks meant that I should now take my place amongst the afraid masses for my child’s sake. I still get told very frequently that I will understand when my daughter starts school — before this, it was that I would understand when I became pregnant, after my daughter was born, once she was mobile, once she was two years old, etc. I’m still waiting.
I guess I don’t understand what the “real world” is — but if it involves living in one community distanced very far from another community that you work in, to spend hours away from your family in traffic or at a cubicle every day, then I don’t want to be part of it. I don’t know why it concerns anyone what my reality is as long as I’m happy with it!
April 17, 2009
Gregg Stutts
Chris,
Great article! I think many people are negative because they consume negative thoughts all day. If you listen to negative talk from the media, from your friends and from your co-workers, then you’re going to be filled with fear, worry and anxiety. You’ll believe that change and accomplishing the “impossible” could never happen for you or anyone else.
Thanks for being a non-conformist voice.
April 22, 2009
Mark Essel
Not having limits can be terrifying for a lot of people.
It means there was, is, and never will be an excuse for not trying again. Any path can be pursued, and new trails can be blazed.
There is fierce freedom in a worldview where “anything is possible”:
Men can run 50 Marathons in 50 days (Dean Karnazes, and Sam Thompson)
College dropouts can spearhead incredible corporations (Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Michael Dell, Lawrence Ellison)
April 23, 2009
gweipo
How true. In the years after I had my children I used to feel like I had to put my life on hold indefinitely. Now I take each day, each moment as it comes. we’re all happier as a result.
April 28, 2009
tippy
Hey Chris! It’s really nice to see someone else sharing these realizations about life. Because:
1. I’ve been blogging a lot last year and the thing is, people really tend to have throw their own idea about their supposed ‘life in the real world’ & ‘not setting high & unreachable goals so as to manage expectations’ which is just draining & challenging at times. I just can’t imagine how much comments you’ll have to deal with.
2. I’ve recently been inspired by my friend to travel & see more of my country–the Philippines. My friend has practically booked her weekend with out-of-town trips. We recently spent a long weekend with a 1000km road trip. It was definitely refreshing!
Keep on sharing those thoughts with the www!
April 30, 2009
Amy P.
Genevieve, a few comments above, put it very eloquently, as a parent. It’s far easier to live your life as a non-conformist when you only have yourself to look out for. I think it takes an extra dose of courage to live vicariously and fully when you’re responsible for another human being. As parents we’re setting an example for our children – and I want to set the example of following your passion and living your dream for my son!
Chris, this is an excellent article that sums up my life’s philosophy, which I’ve been feeling deep in my bones since I was in the 9th grade (I’m 39 now). It’s certainly one I’ll be coming back to again and again. Love everyone else’s comments – it looks like this is the sanctuary we should come to when beaten down by the outside world.
April 30, 2009
David
Chris,
I am new to your site. I agree with much of what this post is about. It may be necessary to fight for your right to non-conform. However, I caution you that people with differing views are not ALWAYS obstacles to your path. They are not necessarily “caged animals”. Sometimes they are messengers. Sometimes they are simply an insight into a path you would prefer not to take.
I sense a youthful impatience on your part that might lead to you to some remarks and actions that are less worthy than your goals. Considered kindness, tolerance and gentle action will slow you down just enough to learn what you might otherwise be racing by.
I look forward to your first experience with India.
David
April 30, 2009
Chris
@David,
Welcome to the site! I don’t respond to every criticism, but I felt compelled to reply to your note.
First of all, you are certainly welcome to your view. I think as you read the site you’ll see that I’m quite tolerant – so much that some people feel I’m too open-minded.
The kind of people I refer to in this article as caged animals are not simply people who choose a different path. Taking a different path is what it’s all about for me. Some people, however, are interested in holding others back who wish to do something different. They most certainly are like caged animals who seek to attack others while maintaining a status quo that restricts creativity or originality.
In my critique of those kinds of people (gatekeepers, cynics, caged animals) I am indeed intolerant. Read some of the other comments above for examples, or read this post to see what I am working for and against.
As for being young and impatient, I don’t disagree with that – I just don’t see how I can change being young or why I should change being impatient.
Again, thanks for sharing your view.
May 12, 2009
Theresa
I was born a nonconformist and have fought the battle all my life. It is sometimes a lonely place to be, but a much freer and creative one. As a painter “artiste” you get labeled as odd or looked at as a magical being. This can be unnerving, a tipsy-turvy place, up down, in out . Unless you get to the stage of life (as I have, 62) “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a dam”. The less you listen to others and follow your bliss, (Joseph Campbell) the better you can be of service to yourself and humanity. If you are not happy with your “place” you can not make others happy. Love yourself and then you can love others. Or LIKE what you do and the world will feel your good vibes. We are entering a new beginning.
The Gia is out to play and she wants us to join Her.
June 7, 2009
JimW
As an educator, I get a lot of folk weighing in with comments about the Real World outside of school. Example: “It’s all very well to teach kids poetry, but what good will that do them in the Real World?”
To me, the comments betray a dissatisfaction with the life these people have carved for themselves after they left education. Poetry will do kids every good, when they are trapped in a cubicle for the majority of the working week, which is where the comment makers would like to see students when they graduate.
I attempt to help my students understand that there are many worlds out there, with a myriad of possible pathways and outcomes. One thing I try to steer them away from is any form of a Real World, that is to say a pathway determined for them by others.
Thanks Chris for a great post and everyone for a fantastic discussion.
July 1, 2009
Sue
Hi Chris,
You are so right about small-minded people lashing out–quite viciously!–when threatened over the least little thing, as I’ve found out the hard way over the last year in my work place. While the experience has been really crummy–and taken its toll on my overall well-being–it’s also pushed me to re-evaluate whether these are the circumstances under which I want to continue working for the next 20 or so years. The answer is a resounding “No!” By conventional standards–benefits, salary, vacation time, etc–one can have a very good job but, in general, the stress of being in a toxic environment by far outweighs the benefits of an otherwise good job. Depending on one’s savings, it can be a bit harder to walk away from that so-called secure pay cheque, but if one is willing to start looking at unconventional solutions to cut down on expenses, then it’s easier to feel less trapped and start planning one’s “unreal” ideal lifestyle .
July 3, 2009
Omar
This is a well written and insightful article. Some people can discourage you with their limited views. Anything is possible. Obama exemplifies that.
August 5, 2009
Leah
This is a great article.
I think it is important to recognize that folks get caught up in their “stories” about how life works and who you are supposed to be. These ideas are laid on each of us from the time we are born, and become how we view the world. Most people do not even get that they are caught up in a “story” they just think that is how things work. It is all they have ever known. That is also why you run into people who are strongly defending their “story” about the Real World.
My response to people who are telling me what I can and can not do is usually nothing…and I just do what I want anyway, or I say ” I see that is your story” and leave it at that.
Rock On!
Leah
September 4, 2009
Carmen
Thanks for reminding me that it really is okay not to have the white picket fence and really truly deeply wanting to make a difference in this world
September 10, 2009
ArrVee
As a mechanically-inclined person, may I offer the following analogy of a cutting tool: the business end of any cutting tool has those edges that stick out and do the cutting, concentrating all the force on their tiny high-strength edges to do the work.
Think of a massive Tunnel Boring Machine (the ones they used to carve out the Chunnel). The cutting work is done by the many cutting wheels embedded in the face of the machine.
As long as these cutting wheels stick out above the cutting face and stay sharp, the entire machine makes forward progress.
If you want to make a difference, you have to stick out above the ordinary or the average. But you must have something unique, a personal value-add, to be effective in achieving your goal (the cutting edges of a cutting tool are made of high-strength materials). As well, you should stick out in the right direction to be effective, to perform productive work.
Like cutting tool edges, you can also get worn down, and you must be prepared to step back and “sharpen the saw” as Stephen Covey puts it.
And when you see someone else sticking out above the ordinary, with a real potential to contribute, you see that person as a fellow cutting edge that can also make a difference in this world.
If that other person is young and gifted, they may only need help to:
- sharpen their rare “high-strength material” into an effective cutting edge
- orient it in the right direction to be effective
- help them maintain the cutting edge
March 1, 2010
Sonicsuns
“Living world”. That’s a good term. It captures the idea quite well.
April 15, 2010
Joan
LIBERATING… been on my own path for many years, recently got STUCK in a small world of conformity … weak moments and a lot of forgetting what freedom smells like. thanks for opening the window to let in the fresh air and brightness.
April 18, 2010
Emilie
This article is fantastic! It reminds of Aristotle’s Golden Mean; he believes human beings are happy and complete only once they have found the medium in everything they do and in every decision they make.
May 6, 2010
Kimmie
I enjoyed reading your articles. I hope I don’t ramble on too much but I’d like to share this.
As I’ve grown I have been taught to love what I do and do what I love and Live with an open mind.
Though there are many rules you learn and have to live by. I have always followed my own path. listened to many yet made my own decisions. So far so good.
I have lived and surveyed life in facets through my jobs, in life and struggles, this have given me wisdom as I reach my half century.
Today as an adult and raising a family I’ve chosen to stay in the middle. It gives me balance like Yin and Yang. Good and evil. I am an artist/designer. Kimmie
June 14, 2010
Meredith
YES. THANK YOU for this site and this article.
“…not all of us are sleepwalkers. Some of us are alive.” That’s my favorite part.
July 6, 2010
Jenna
You’ve got it right, Chris! I loved this post but I can see why it would scare some people. When you’re faced with things that go completely against the grain of what you’ve always been taught, it can be difficult to accept. But people need to wake up and stop sleepwalking through life. Thanks again!
November 15, 2010
Janak Patel
The heart seeks pleasure and until recently it has always been these 3 main drives to the real world : Food Sex and the instinct to Kill.
I think in the living world, these words become faded and indeed we should have an article of how the Living world can be summerised in one or two words.
I would go for, Altruism (Peace) Disarmament (Love) & Oneness (Unity)
BTW… i think the readers would like to see the movie ‘V for Vendetta’.
“The building is a symbol, as is the act of destroying it; symbols are give power by people, alone a symbol is meaningless but with enough people, blowing up a building can change the world”