People will take over your life if you let them. How do they do it?
Step 1: They begin by taking over your time.
“This will only take a minute…”
“Can we have a quick call to discuss…”
“We’d like to get your input on…”
When they send a message in one place to say they’ve left a message for you in another place, you know you’re really in trouble. Watch out!
Step 2: They continue by asserting their priorities over yours.
“We need this done right away.”
“This is really urgent.”
One hour after asking for something: “Have you had a chance to look at that yet?”
(Note: Do not mistake urgent for important. Also refer to: Your lack of planning is not my emergency.)
Step 3: They assume they know better than you do.
“Let me give you some free advice.”
“I know just what you should do.”
“This will be a win-win for both of us.”
(Note: Most of the time when someone says something will help you, what they mean is “This will help me, but let’s pretend it helps you too.”)
Step 4: When you decline to give in to the demands, they’ll attempt to make you feel bad.
“I’m not sure why you’d say no to this great opportunity.”
“I really need your help to ensure this project succeeds.”
“Can we talk about why you don’t feel this is a good fit?”
***
Sometimes, we let people take over our lives by entrusting judgment to them. We assume that other people know better than we do. We assume that other people’s priorities are more important than ours.
The answer is to stop believing these things and to start building a tower.
You begin by deciding for yourself what success looks like. Set your own rules. Be clear on what you want and how you’re going to get it.
You continue by defining the terms of engagement. If 9 out of 10 voicemails are a waste of time, why bother listening at all? If you know the meeting will be unproductive, why attend? If you don’t want to be distracted by social media, don’t log in.
Here are five powerful words you can use to regain control: “Sorry, I’m not available right now.”
Has this happened to you? Tell us here.
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Also see: Things They Have No Right To Tell You
Also see: Who You Are and What They Say
March 2, 2012
Nick
I like the last sentence although I would remove the “Sorry”. No need to apologize to someone if you’re not available for them to waste your time…
March 2, 2012
Eli G
Not only that this has happened to me but I would also like to offer another perspective of it.The first thing that I realized while reading the post was that I recognize myself in the examples and the people who can consume time.I used to do that, more like be that especially when I was establishing the NGO, and now from this perspective I understand where this reaction (and action) comes from.I had low self-confidence, felt I lacked many skills, was overwhelmed with fear, and was making altars for people who I admired and who had made a difference etc.And then it’s almost like going as far as waiting for someone else to make your decisions. I was lucky enough that the people who’s time I consumed were great mentors who knew that sometimes “no” is the best answer you can give to someone. Knowing that you’re helping them develop, grow and find their independence. Especially in the long run. Being on both sides and understanding the underlying causes, I always remind myself that “no” is healthy when the intent is set right.
March 2, 2012
John King
A good friend who worked in the engineering field shared that they told potential clients there is a triangle connected to design: cost, quality (how complicated the item is) and time (how quickly the new item can be built). Said potential client would shake his/her head in agreement, but then the shocker would come, “You can choose any two, but those impact the third.”
If you want low cost and high quality, then that will take a long time because it will only be possible when our shop has no other jobs on which we can work. If you want high quality in a short time, the cost will be a premium because you are asking us to table every other project we have in shop.
Pointing this reality out helps to “train” them to realize you cannot make their priorities yours because what they are asking for is unreasonable.
March 2, 2012
Yael Grauer
This is a good post, but I agree with Jeanette… I think it’s just as important to be polite and kind as it is to set good boundaries, and responding with what one *can* do is a good practice. People don’t want to discuss things or get input to waste your time. They want to discuss things and get input because they respect you, or because they value your opinion. And it’s natural to want to see why someone they think is the bees knees wouldn’t be interested in a project. (Back before I owned my own biz and had job interviews, I’d always ask what I could do to strengthen my application–not because I was trying to be manipulative, but because I wanted to get better.) Although I can’t count on an explanation when I ask someone why something isn’t a good fit, I would hope that I’d be treated with appropriate consideration. And I have no problem explaining to someone else why something is beyond the scope of a project as I’d agreed to it, or why I’m not interested in a project, etc. Great food for thought.
March 2, 2012
Aurooba Ahmed
This happens. A lot, sometimes. I think it’s hardest to walk away from it when it comes from the people you care about in your life, such as close family members and friends. I’ve recently been pondering the idea that it’s important to live your own life and not someone else’s IDEA of your life. After all, you are the one living your life, so why are you letting someone else dictate the terms and conditions?
Once in a while, a lot of us find that we are being treated like puppets, with thoughts and ideas that even when acknowledged by others, don’t seem to make a difference. Perhaps, that is a sign that we need to stop looking for permission from others, and give ourselves the permissions to lead our OWN lives.
Good food for thought. Thanks Chris.
March 2, 2012
Claudia Good
No this never happens to me!
Just said no twice today and it felt great! What freedom!!
March 5, 2012
Mary Hope
Enjoyed reading all the posts.
The world can be demanding and saying “yes” all the time is not possible for any of us. Being able to choose when to say “yes” is a freedom we all want.
It all boils down to the reasons we are saying “yes” or “no”.
Life is a balancing act! Balance is needed in everything we do: physically, mentally, and emotionally. Not being pulled too far to the left or right, but to keep on “going forward” is the goal.
Too many yeses and too many noes will get us out of balance!
When saying “yes” or “no”, both need to be said with a clear conscience.
Thanks Chris, for a thought provoking post.
March 5, 2012
Laura Hogan
As my therapist said, “‘No’ is a complete sentence.”
March 6, 2012
Steve Rice
This really comes down to disrespect. It’s easy to fall into the perpetrator role, though. It’s easy to become so focused on what we want to achieve and the outcome we want to attain, that it’s easy to bowl over the time, motives and priorities of others in order to achieve our goals.
Being mindful of this tendency is a great first step to eliminating it. Of course, healthy boundaries in any relationship are essential.
March 7, 2012
peter bryenton
Saying “no” increases the worth of our “yes”.
March 7, 2012
Elisa
Great post Chris! Perfect timing: just when I’ve had to say a courageous ‘No!’ to a person of authority. What I’ve learned – echoing many other posts – is that establishing clear personal boundaries is the key.
External ‘influence’ can come in so many shapes and forms – some intentional, others unintentional. The saving grace: personal consistency in honouring your own beliefs, values, and vision.
March 10, 2012
Melanie Smithson
Great post. Wish I could get as good at saying no to the distracting voices in my head as I am to the ones on the phone!
March 11, 2012
Man Wall
There is nothing worse than someone in a similar position as you giving you advice on how to get out of said position. Like when I have a cigarette with my friend and he’s telling me exactly how to quit smoking.
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