I did an interview for the nice people at The 99 Percent last month, and Jocelyn shared an idea that has stayed with me ever since.
Here’s the idea —
I like this quote from a David Sedaris article. Sort of an adapted ‘carpenter’s triangle’:
“One burner represents your family, one is your friends, the third is your health, and the fourth is your work.”
The gist is that in order to be successful you have to cut off one of your burners. And in order to be really successful you have to cut off two.
The question that followed was something like, “Is that really true?” I wasn’t sure what to say, so I made something up that sounded halfway intelligent, then moved on. Except I kept thinking about It later, and more than a month later, I’m still thinking about it.
I’ve said all along that life-work balance is overrated. If you’re not happy with your life, you should change it like plenty of other people have done. If your job sucks and you’re miserable, you should quit.
These ideas always strike some people as offensive, as if we should be grateful for bad jobs and unhappy lives. Maybe things will magically get better! Meanwhile, other people are somehow able to embrace change and pursue lives of meaningful adventure. (We tend to focus on the second group over here.)
But then again, perhaps the four burners theory is another way of looking at the same concept. I’d like to be healthy, and I’d like to have good relationships with my family and close friends, while also being successful at my work. I don’t like the idea of choosing or cutting off one of the burners.
I also know that success is what you define it to be. You can define “success at work” to be something very small, and then say you are successful. You can decide to group friends and family into one burner to save space on the stovetop. You can compare yourself to other people who aren’t as healthy as you are, and then decide that you are, in fact, healthy.
These days I don’t run marathons anymore, but I still run. I don’t go to yoga class very often, but I try to stretch before I go to bed. See what I mean? Slippery slope, meet non-conformist writer.
Another word for comparison is “rationalization.” We’d all like to think we can be successful without cutting off one of the burners. But when you start deconstructing it, I’m not so sure.
What about all the ambitious people of the world? Many of us aren’t satisfied with redefining success to suit a small vision; not everyone wants to be well-rounded or average. I know I’m not alone in wanting my four burners to be all-around amazing, and my life to be amazing all-around.
So I thought I’d put this tough question to all of you smart people. What do you think? I’d really love to know.
I could bribe you with Frequent Flyer Miles or Lufthansa Amenity Kits, but instead I’ll offer fame and glory by reprinting some of the best comments in a follow-up post next week. Just don’t cut off one of your other burners to answer it, OK?
Happy Monday, everyone.
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July 22, 2010
Cris Buckley
To me, it’s not about the burners, it’s all about the meal you’re making. What are you making? Most meals don’t require four burners at full heat, but maybe one will be at a boil, one will be simmering, one sauteing. Some foods don’t require a burner at all.
Another meal will have a totally different combination.
There’s a flow, and it’s dynamic, changing, alive. Not static. Not prescribed.
July 23, 2010
Abhi
My view is that how the burner I am cooking my main disk has not problem and performs well, it impacts the way we react to the performance / non perfomance of the other burners to a big extent.. I mean if say I give most priority to my work life, then if its going on great, we tend to be little more tolerant of an impact on the personal or social life.. but if the burner we cooking our main dish on ( the thing we give most priority) is not working well, then it impacts the whole dinner since the main dish itself was not cooked properly..
July 23, 2010
Hannah
If I look at my life, the four burner theory rings pretty true. When one burner is running really hot, e.g. falling in love or hitting career success, I feel great and because of that I keep putting my energy there to the detriment of the other burners. In the back of my mind, I know they will be there and I feel I can tend to them later. What I forget, is that it’s impossible for things to run really hot for long periods of time and the longer a burner is turned off, the longer it takes to heat it up again.
The focus shouldn’t be on the burners, it should be on the stove, us. Having self awareness – of our goals, opporunities, and how much fire we have to give – will help us determine what each burner needs and gets. Life gets much easier when we stop looking to give the fire to everyone else based on their needs and start looking at how best to use our heat.
July 23, 2010
Hersh Kalles
It’s never been about the burners… we all have the same 24 hours in a day and yet some people seem to be able to do more with it then others.
To me it comes down to what you fuel the burners with in order to keep them burning. Of course in its most simplest form this can mean eating and sleeping and exercise but more importantly are the power fuels like passion and gratitude which can provide a huge amount of emotional fuel to keep your burners hot and can often provide fuel enough to upgrade to the professional 6-8 burner stove top!!!
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July 23, 2010
Jen M.
I’ll tell you what: I’m all for cutting off the “job” burner and going it on my own. I would do that in a hot minute, EXCEPT that I have financial obligations that cannot be eliminated and cannot be met by my own projects alone. That’s just the concrete reality with which I’m living FOR NOW.
Instead, I do a lot of “Star Trek” type juggling (Re-route energy from one system to another.)
My family (chosen and blood) come before all else, and then my health. When push comes to shove, work just has to understand.
If I had made different choices in life, I’d have a VERY different point of view, but I have to live in the house I’ve built.
That said, I don’t find it offensive when people talk about pitching it all to strike out on one’s own. I would definitely do that if I could.
Cheers!
July 23, 2010
Janice Tennant
I can’t say I understand why you need to ‘cut off’ a burner or 2. A good range has all 4 burners, not all the same size or power, in good working order. And I agree with others who said they just don’t all have to be turned on at the same time or all at once. Some need to do the simmering for a while while the others cook or rest, to take the analogy a little farther. Sometimes all the burners are off and the oven is in use, maybe a little romantic music. You know what you need.
July 24, 2010
Jenna
I think the four burners theory is very true but that we shouldn’t get too bogged down by it. If you are doing things that you love and don’t mind stoking the fire under all 4 or 5 or 6 of your burners, it becomes easier to do so. When you think of life as a chance to experience the world and live the richest experience possible, you can stop beating yourself up for having a hobby outside your family or for turning down the burner on one once in a while. If it’s not making you happy, it needs to be fixed or turned off.
July 24, 2010
Amanda
Not quite burners, but I heard this quote a screenwriting panel, of all places: “Life is choice, choice is loss.” (Isaiah Berlin) I like this because it acknowledges why we don’t like having to choose — we genuinely lose something when we discard one option or path.
But, as the speaker suggested, we must always choose a direction or we’ll never get anywhere.
So yes, you absolutely have to cut off a burner, or two, or three, depending on how driven you are and what you want from life. It seems to me that people today are absolutely phobic about making choices — they really do think that they can keep all their options open in life. This is simply not true.
July 25, 2010
Teri
I wholeheartedly agree with Kieran and Christine. We are like our thumbprint, and whatever defines success or happiness to us isn’t always going to be what our loved ones, friends or work related folks feel is important. Four burners aren’t enough to define my life or what means the world to me. I must commend this wonderful group of thinking people. Love this blog people
. Thanks for all perspectives. This is the best time to be alive on this planet.
July 25, 2010
Jennifer
I have to say I disagree with this burner theory. Turning one or two off is the equivalent of neglecting an important aspect of your life, and could also be a detriment to one’s quest for success. When you turn off the family and friends burners, you inevitably end up alienating the people close to you, and for what…success? Turning off the health burner is just plain irresponsible . For me, being successful is being mindful of how you treat people, doing what you love for a living – even if it doesn’t make you wealthy, and taking care of yourself – mind, body and soul. I think leaving those burners turned on is what fuels us to push toward success.
July 25, 2010
Lea Woodward
I’m with you, Chris – I don’t like the idea of choosing or cutting off one of the burners either and I’m not sure you have to either.
An interesting experiment we’ve been conducting recently is something along the lines of a 1 week on/ 1 week off approach (a version of the one described by Steve Pavlina).
The premise is simple:
1) You focus on work with no distractions for 7 days;
2) Then for the following 7 days you put as much focus & effort on your personal life.
For us so far, it’s worked brilliantly because:
- Health, family & friends become are the primary focus during an “off” week; work & business are the focus during an “on” week. Neither suffers from neglect for more than a week.
- You go into each week knowing that you’ve closed everything off from the previous week (work tasks, personal admin tasks, etc.) and can throw yourself 100% into whatever is on the agenda for that week.
I’d highly recommend trying this approach if you can swing it.
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