Several times on the never-ending book tour, people came up to me with multiple copies of my book for signing. “My family doesn’t understand me,” they said, “So I’m giving them your book.”
“Thanks,” I always said… although I worried a little about signing books for people who didn’t necessarily want them. I learned to invent a specific inscription for these copies:
“To Barbara: I’m not sure you’ll like this book, but your daughter isn’t crazy.”
“Barbara” could have been “Mom and Dad” or someone’s partner or brother or protective cousin, who loves their family member dearly, but sometimes loves them a little too much to let them have their own life. Sometimes the generational gap is reversed, and it is the kids who worry about their parents.
Guess what? I don’t think that reading my book, or anyone’s book, can change a perspective like that. That’s the bad news: it’s rarely that simple to change someone’s mind. To those on the outside, examples of successful non-conformists aren’t very persuasive, because they’ll always find reasons why someone else’s success can’t be replicated.
But thankfully, there’s also some good news. If you want to influence your family, you can lead the way through your own actions. They are not going to change their worldview by something you post on Facebook, but when they see you following through on your big dreams, they can’t help but notice.
The challenge you face, therefore, is to be courageous in the face of opposition from those who love you. This is no small challenge, since you would much rather fight dragons or vampires or something that is clearly evil. Your family isn’t evil and you probably can’t ignore them, but you also can’t ignore your dreams for very long without letting them die.
Some battles are better won by example than by persuasion. You can talk forever about the adventure you’d like to take, why you want to study a subject you’re interested in instead of one they think would lead to better career options, or whatever. And by following this well-trod path, you may make marginally incremental progress in the form of compromise.
Or you can put it in perspective for them: I’m doing this because it is important to me. I’m willing to give up other things to make it work.
More often than not, they’ll get used to it over time. You may always be thought of as the black sheep, the strange one, the outlier. But you’ll eventually earn your right to freedom, and maybe even some grudging respect.
Then they’ll say, oh, there goes _____ again. That’s just what she does. Or they’ll think, _____ has another crazy idea… but the last one worked out pretty well for him.
And once in a while, a funny thing happens: they’ll learn from the decisions you made, and how you stepped out and faced down your fears. (They may or may not realize that some of your fears had to do with them, but by then, it won’t matter.)
So for those of you in small towns, or in cultures where non-conformity is implicitly misunderstood, or for anyone else who feels pressured to be like those around them, it’s all up to you to lead by example. Who knows—maybe some of your family will end up changing with you. Wouldn’t that be something?
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Image: SB
March 31, 2011
Miriam Moriarty
I really like this line:
‘Some battles are better won by example than by persuasion’
A good thought to remember when you don’t feel supported by those around you – just do it anyway and let the results speak for themselves!
March 31, 2011
Chea
A lot of the shaming to make conformists starts when we’re kids. I was always called “crazy” and many worse things for being different, both by my family and at school, including from teachers.
It’s important to recognize that when our children or others kids we come in contact with are a bit different that we need to be gentle and understanding, tolerant and careful with the kind of guidance we give them so as to build their self-esteem rather than destroy it, which is so easy to do…
It took me many years to stop attracting “friends” who put me down (unconsciously perpetuating the family dynamic) and accept myself for who I am. Now I can proudly say that yes, I fly my freak flag high and honestly enjoy being completely me.
Who else can you really be but YOU?
March 31, 2011
Anthony StClair
So true. I went through this when I told my family that not only was I leaving Virginia to go study abroad (and then work abroad) in Scotland, but that afterwards I was also moving to Oregon. It took them some getting used to. Ever since, though, they’ve supported all my decisions — I think they saw that while my choices weren’t necessarily theirs, they could tell that I was really putting my heart and soul into them, and working things out. Having their support and understanding has made things all the better.
Your post reminds me of a story my dad told me a few years ago. He was catching up with a friend, who asked my dad how his 2 children were. When he told him his friend about me, the man said, “Terry… why Oregon?”
Dad’s reply: “When we were young, we said we were gonna get the hell out of here. And look at us — we’re still here. Well, Anthony did it.”
Living true, following dreams and thought and instinct — it pays off. And sooner or later, people come around.
March 31, 2011
Ricky Ferdon
Sorry to post twice, but just came across this quote in an email: “Conventional people are roused to fury by departure from convention, largely because they regard such departure as a criticism of themselves.” ~Bertrand Russell
March 31, 2011
Mike Gusky
Its interesting that you mention the reversal in the generation gap. Its not that I think my children are worried about me but they certainly dont understand me. Its as if they are actually from the 1950′s or something.
I have had a strong entrepreneural spirit since way back in 4th grade selling tadpoles to classmates. 5 cents without legs and 10 cents with legs and the bull frog tadpoles were 25 cents. I racked up some significant coin for a 9 year old. But my parents were hard working conventional blue collar workers who expected to work for the same company all of their lives so that spirit wasn’t “nurtured”, if you will.
Now its reversed. “Find your passion – Think up your craziest ideas – I will help you – Lets work on a project together” – These are the things I tell my children and they look at me like I am nuts. They just want to get through college (grudgingly), get a job and a paycheck. I am worried about them because that world doesnt exist anymore.
March 31, 2011
Alex Humphrey
Thank you Chris.
My family isn’t against me per say, but they do seriously question what I’m doing. The main question I get is, “How do you make money doing that?” It’s hard to explain without getting to deep so I just usually throw out something I’m working on and they just sort of nod their head while their eyes glaze over.
Everyone trusts me and think I can do it, but I can tell they also worry that I will fail and never recover.
Failure is good for the soul, though. Every success sits atop a mountain of failures. Hopefully my mountain top is close by
March 31, 2011
Kelly Bower
This is exactly what I’ve been dealing with particularly for the past year or so. My family doesn’t understand my life style choice and trying to help them understand is inevitable. I’ve been wanting to somehow guide my parents to your views, therefore I’m forwarding this e-mail to them. I think it will help them see my, and many others’, point of view. Thank you for sharing and for writing about how so many of us feel.
April 1, 2011
Jared Seah
When I decided to end my “real” job in Athens, Greece this Dec 2011 to start focusing on “play”; I was very worried how to break this news to my family.
I guess HOW we present the news to our family is important too.
I returned to Singapore last Chinese New Year and talked to each family member individually. Then flew to Guangzhou, China to share with my brother there too.
If I honour and respect them, they will in turn respect my decision.
April 1, 2011
Eli
Lead by example is a brilliant concept and to me it applies to everything,even the conversations with people who “don’t understand”. William Isaac has defined, what’s called dialogue tools (Listening,Respecting,Suspending,Voicing).Sounds easy,because we are too often busy with “voicing” to even notice the lack of the other three. When I started practicing them-especially suspending! I’ve found out that it does take a lot of practicing) I’ve witnessed the miracle of flow in conversation and understanding.If we want understanding, support or just to be listened that’s what we need to be in a conversation as well as in life.And that’s all we can do really. Will the other side remain open enough to accept if not understand or still say that-you’re too young, you’ll see, you don’t have the experience…it doesn’t matter. They can equally say that you don’t understand them! Sharing differences for me is a beautiful opportunity, if shared in a way that allows both sides to learn & grow.
April 1, 2011
Prime
As they say, show don’t tell. Your family will naturally be apprehensive if you’re choosing the less-traveled path. They care for you and they don’t want you to be unhappy or fail. But if you can show that you’re happy and you have succeeded in the path you chose then they’ll willingly support you. You might not be able to convert them but they will at least be more understanding.
April 1, 2011
Miguel
Spoken with warmth and affection Chris. This hits it right home!
I’m pursuing Finance as my college course but my dad wants me to take Accounting because it’s the basis of everything. What he doesn’t understand is I don’t want to take it because it’s what he “suggests” I should do.
Well, you’re right, I’m going to “lead by example” and do it. Thanks Chris! Keep it up.
April 1, 2011
Miguel
I wanted to add to my comment.
It’s true. Our families do love us and all but if we just sit by and live by their decisions, we are never going to be happy. They’ll be satisfied but we’ll we be happy as well? We have to get out and do our thing. Like my mom. She took music as a course but she later regretted it because my grandma forced her to do it. Now she’s pursuing cooking as her passion. My dad ain’t too happy about that. But she keeps at it. I support her. She encourages me to follow my dreams while my dad encourages to do his suggestions. So i’m definitely going to my thing and live my life!
April 1, 2011
Jordan
I totally connect with this. I currently have this problem.
I think “you can lead the way with your own actions” is key—in fact, in my experience, it’s the only way that works! Talking is great, but what they actually see in your life is what will really change their mind.
April 1, 2011
Wyman
What kind of a group am I mixed up with here? A bunch of happy non-conforist having fun. See you in June. The old man, Wyman (72) No not 1972.
April 2, 2011
Audrey
We’re traveling through Bangladesh right now and each time I think about my own challenges with family and friends wondering if we’re crazy I think about what it must be like to grow up in this culture and country. I’ve been approached by young women just dying to talk to someone “different” and my advice to them is that if you do what makes you happy and fulfilled (i.e., marrying for love or studying or working) then your family will notice your happiness and support you. But, their challenges to do this are so much greater than mine – I admire what they’ve gone through so far to get to where they are now, but know more difficult roads lie ahead. Puts my own challenges in perspective.
April 2, 2011
Laur Weinstock
I realized early on [late teens] that I was “different.” Married with 2 children, we adopted, at my urging a babe with Down syndrome. Unexpectedly divorced when babe was 11 or so led to my NEXT life. More challenging in every possible way, including living within my non-conformist body/brain that said; this anger will pass, this challenge to your future will be resolved, why not continue life as you wish? That babe at 23, and I went to Ireland for 2 weeks with nothing more than a rental car and hostel memberships. Always, always remember this is the only life we have- at least in this form !!
April 2, 2011
Kirsten
This could hardly be any more relevant to my life. THANK YOU for writing it.
April 2, 2011
Elisa
I think a lot of it is like that “bubble boy” movie (that was horrible and yet somehow kind of good) in the early 2000′s. Parents and family often think that by teaching younger people to live a status quo and conformed life, they will be *safe*. Protected from being hurt, protected from risk, protected from the big scary world that is filled with so much badness.
They don’t want you to not succeed, they don’t want to hold you back, they don’t want you to “conform” – they want you to live a happy and filled life and this is the only way they know how.
But you are right – reading a book grudgingly is certainly not going to teach them that there are other options. Instead teaching by your example is often the best way to change people’s minds.
April 2, 2011
Ellen Berg
It took me a long time to become comfortable with who I am, but now I am thankful for the journey because I am liberated from all the stuff that weighs down so many of my peers.
I also found that once I became comfortable with myself and the way I wanted to live my life, my family and friends did as well. No more eyerolling, nitpicking, or snarky comments like, “And this is Ellen, our hippy daughter.” Or maybe it’s just that I don’t notice it anymore because I don’t care. I’m happy with my life, and that’s all that matters.
April 3, 2011
Ara
I’ve always been the odd one in my family. I feel I’m under pressure. I’m not quite sure if this pressure comes from my family or it is self-imposed, but I feel frustrated, unsatisfied, to the point where I can’t sleep (even less, rest). Things got a little bitter when I told my parents I want to quit my job.
I think I started following this blog just in time. I’ve been encouraged to trace my own path and follow it. That’s what I’ve been working on. Hopefully, my family will be at ease with me when they see me happy.
April 7, 2011
Panda
This reminds me of the 4 obstacles to pursuing a dream that Paulo Coelho wrote The Alchemist around.
The second obstacle is about the thoughts of friends and family. Like in this post and in the commenter’s, friends and family may not understand one’s dream. If they love you (and they most probably do), they’ll let you go once they realize how important it is to you.
[The other obstacles are: 1) believing you can and overcoming fear of failure 3) enduring the dream's trials 4) not giving up when you're about to reach it because you feel guilt that others haven't fulfilled their dreams]
April 8, 2011
Rainbowskies
…… So timely I found this…. I too have come to the conclusion that its about surrounding yourself with evolved people… People who are “child like” not childish… People who don’t care if you don’t fit in… A spiritual family is what I think I would call it… Its about been grateful to your biological parents… They made you…. Gave you experiences that made you you… and then moving away and moving on… Thanks for the inspiration…
April 10, 2011
Mary Phillips
Well said, right on target, and worth re-reading. The comments are insightful and uplifting, too.
October 27, 2011
vina lustado
hi chris,
this post really touched me when i first read it several months ago, and i think very important for people to hear. i needed to read it again recently. please put it back in your top 10 articles so others know it’s here.
by the way, it’s lovely to read your latest post.
January 10, 2012
Bastiaan
Inspiration can be a powerful force!
After reading about the amazing time I am having here, my parents are skipping the usual resort and tailored trips (with everything carefully pre-planned) to join me for a few weeks in South America on what will be their first ever backpacking trip!
February 16, 2012
Maren
Chris your blog is the most valuable blog that i’ve ever read.
I too got the “you’re turning 30 and you need to have a stable career and your life figured out completely” speech, lol. I’m from a small country and my parents are driving hard for me to be NORMAL. It’s stressful but since coming into this blog my mind finally has some relief. Finally someone agrees with me and i’m not crazy for wanting to live life following my bliss. I’m leaving home and maybe the country within 30days.
I won’t conform.
April 9, 2012
Jen
Great article… got me thinking.
Just as we have trouble letting go of the need for parental/peer validation, or acceptance of our ‘non-conformist’ lives, so too do parentals/peers have trouble accepting that we are not aiming to be carbon copies of them. Goes both ways really – rather than just from our own view of being misunderstood.
And yes, familiar with the resulting desire to try and fix’ our parentals/peers… but isn’t this what they are trying to do to us? Hmm…