My friend Danielle has a five-year-old-son. One day he came home from kindergarten, and Danielle asked what he learned. “We learned not to talk to strangers,” he said. “Because strangers are bad.”
“Really?” Danielle said. “Do you think strangers are bad?”
Her son thought about it and wasn’t sure.
“You can tell when you see someone in the city that you shouldn’t talk to,” she told him. “But most people are good, whether they’re strangers or not. The next time you hear that lesson, just ignore it.”
Danielle is a fairly unconventional parent, so she has no problem telling her son to ignore his teachers. And I think she’s right—why teach children to be afraid? Most people are good.
***
Another friend, Elizabeth, helped her six-year-old Grace make a Twitter account. A lot of people asked her why she would do that—aren’t you worried? Aren’t you afraid? But Elizabeth (and Grace) knows that most people are good.
Here’s a sample selection of Grace’s tweets; I hope she gets a book deal:
“This is the best day of my life. We went to the park, we’re going to McDonalds, I found a penny. The best day of my life.”
“Knock knock.” [who's there?] “Banana.” [banana who?] “Sorry I can’t hear you. I’m dead. Get it?”
“Mommy, look at the kitty. She’s a rock star.”
“If I were a grownup and was sick like this, I’d say the f word.”
“Mulan is very brave. I don’t know if people are brave like that in real life. Maybe Santa Claus.”
***
I like stories like these because they go against the prevailing wisdom that people are untrustworthy unless proven otherwise. But as Danielle told her son, shouldn’t it really be the other way around?
There may be some comfort in closing yourself off and being afraid, failing to trust until someone proves themselves trustworthy. Perhaps it’s the safer choice. But when you choose to believe that people are good by default, you might find that most of them actually are.
On a related subject, I heard Tim Sanders speak recently and he said: “Giving is a wonder drug. You are only alive in the moment of giving and sharing.”
Why not treat everyone with respect unless they show they don’t deserve it? It’s a numbers game. You can win it by giving the benefit of the doubt, and sharing your belief in humanity.
Question: When has a stranger been good to you?
###
Image: Wader
May 17, 2011
Itai
Most people are good, yes, but people do not tell their children not to talk to strangers because they think most people are bad. They tell them this so to avoid the few ones that are (and reading the news we know there are too many of them).
It is just like using a seat-belt. We put it on not because most times we have accidents but for the rare times when it does happen. Even if we never have accidents, most of us use seat-belts, just in case.
May 17, 2011
Andy
Love this, and that Tim Sanders quote. It is so true. Sharing and giving are the only things that make life real. Strangers are good to me every day, I wouldn’t have ever played a gig had it not been for strangers – it is connecting with new people that gives my job purpose.
The old cliche is true that strangers are probably friends you haven’t met yet (and wont meet if fear wins). It’s also funny how a uniform automatically changes the perception of a stranger. It ties into our inbuilt fear of the unknown, the way we react to people certainly depends on what they are wearing (their level of strange-r-ness).
We just have to remember that we too are all strangers. Everyone is. Would you want to meet yourself?
May 17, 2011
Marc
I was in a fairly dodgy area of Bangkok once, where I love exploring with my camera. I was about to head down into an even rougher area, and I felt a hand on my arm. It was a westerner, mid 40s, who said “I wouldn’t recommend going down there. I know you will anyway, but just be mindful.” He then disappeared back into the crowd.
I was really struck by that. That someone would see me with my camera about to head into a rough area, know that there was probably no stopping my curiosity, but took the time out to give me that warning. Well, not really a warning. More a protective blessing. I was so shocked by the random kindness and concern that at the time I didn’t say anything but a mumbled thanks, before he was away in the crowd again.
I wish I could thank him properly for his time and his concern, for crossing the boundary between strangers and express his concern for my welfare. What an amazing guy. That was ten years ago and I still smile when I think of it. Wherever you are – thanks!
May 17, 2011
SecretSalalah
Thank you for another contrarian and true post.
For those of use trained in the Global Village Beige urban mindset where strangers are not trusted, a visit to Arabia is sobering. Desert survival has made people here aware of our mutual interdependence, and this remains apparent in modern life.
Recently we drove the epic cross-desert route to Salalah, our isolated hometown here in Oman. A tyre blew up and flew off the car, leaving us stranded by the side of the road. Not a soul in sight, from horizon to miraged midday horizon.
Before we could take out the toolkit and spare tyre, a local man appeared out of nowhere and took matters in his own hands. Within ten minutes we were back on track, and he vanished as quickly as he had appeared.
Yes, there is talk of jinn, magic and mystery… but the kindness of strangers should not be mysterious. It is our true nature.
May 17, 2011
Liane
Wow…thanks for this post. When I have taught similar lessons to my kids about doing what many other parents consider uncoventional or unsafe I am criticized or made to feel like a bad parent. I so agree with your point here. I even bought domain names for my kids with their full name so that when they are ready they can create any kind of online space they want, a blog, a digital portfolio etc. People thought I was crazy as if by doing this someone was going to hunt them down and kidnap them as a result. We are teaching kids to live in a bubble and be afraid when we need to help them be self directed, confident, trusting and able to make appropriate judgments about people and situations.
I love the twitter example with the 6 year old!
May 17, 2011
Peter Paluska
Great stories to point up this vital concept, Chris!
We have two choices: either we are all strangers, or none of us are strangers.
Peter
May 17, 2011
Becky
I was in Japan during the earthquake and the Japanese people were extraordinary. They gave my group blankets (we were outside), umbrellas, towels to sit on and when we arrived at the airport with no where to go for two nights they gave us sleeping bags, pillows, blankets and food.
I know in the past (think WW II) they were not “nice” at all, even barbaric, but today they are humble and kind. Would not have made it through with 13 college students, husband and guide if it were not for the kindness of Japanse strangers.
May 17, 2011
Andrea
Yes! Better to teach them to listen to their inner guidance, and they will know when someone is “creepy.” Better yet, expecting the best of life/people, they probably won’t meet up with the creeps at all. Besides, kids are better at listening to that guidance than we are. Please don’t train them to replace it with you, their teachers or the government instead!
May 17, 2011
Sophia
Great post and a good reminder.
As a Couchsurfing host, I am reminded over and over again that people are good … in fact, most people are also pretty interesting and have a great story, if you just take the time to ask and find out.
May 17, 2011
Austin L. Church
I’d much rather give people the benefit of the doubt and be taken advantage of a handful of times than lead a life of cynicism and fear. If people see that you trust them, they often don’t want to lose that trust and work to earn it. If people see that you distrust them, they realize they’ve got nothing to lose and make no effort to earn a trust so elusive.
I was on a bus outside of Sydney coming back from Malibu beach. We only had enough small change to cover two people, but the bus driver, who we’d never met and who didn’t have change for our big bills, offered to let the third person ride for free and cover us if a transit authority got on the bus to check tickets.
Why would a stranger cover for us? It is one of my favorite memories from those two months in Sydney.
May 17, 2011
Jenny
Wow, I just loved reading everyone’s stories. It’s good to turn conventional teaching on its head and see that it’s the right way to go!
May 17, 2011
Juliana
I have basically agreed with 100% of everything you have ever written …I think you are right on the money and an amazing resource of inspiration for me …BUT… I get what your saying but as a mother of four …ages from seven to eighteen….I have seen how an innocent start on the internet can turn ugly quick. I have all the love in the world for all but when it comes to the internet all bets are off where my children are concerned. I have seen first hand all the sick predators out there who do nothing but prey on children and spend all their time looking for a weak moment. kids and the internet just dont mix. unless that is, guaranteeing no strangers can find them.
Your thoughts may change on this when you have children someday yourself ! I still think your awesome !
May 17, 2011
Matt R
Yeah, this hit really close to home because all my life I’ve been told strangers are terrible and they’re going to eat you alive and do all these terrible things to you!
However, I’ve taken things into my own hands to realize that people aren’t so bad. Most of them are actually good.
Cheers,
Matt
May 17, 2011
Mahala Mazerov
I love the stories here. So many of them seem to occur while traveling. I think that’s because we ourselves are more open when we’re the strangers. When we’re in unfamiliar territory. At this point in my life I experience the kindness of strangers every day. It’s in the food someone grew for me, trucked long hours, unloaded… You get the picture. Everything we have in our lives that we think of as ours comes in part through the efforts of others. You can say that the person who grew my food got paid. But from buying at farmer’s markets I know the labor and labor of love that goes into my food. It’s true of everyone who somehow contributes to my life’s needs, ease and happiness and that of others.
May 17, 2011
Amy
Traveling through Atlanta several years ago, we were racing to catch the Marta after eating lunch. My 8-year-old son made it on while I was lagging behind with my 4-year-old. The doors slammed shut with me on the other side, and despite my pounding and screaming, he just left from beneath my hands into a tunnel under a city none of us knew.
Of all the faces staring at my panicked outburst, his was the only white one. It would have been easy to let fear or even racism take over, because he just looked so out of place and vulnerable. My brother managed to share a “thumbs up” with one of the women standing near my little boy, and I knew she wouldn’t leave him to solve this on his own. That exchange calmed me down. By the time we tracked my son down on the next platform, she wasn’t the only one standing watch over him. A whole group of concerned women had gotten off the train before their own stops and were standing in a half-circle around him. It was the most gorgeous group of angels I’ve ever seen, and I’ve never been more grateful and endebted to anyone in my life. I wish I could hug each and every one of them.
May 17, 2011
Duff
5- and 6-year-olds have a tough time with sophisticated exceptions to categories. It is in fact common enough for pedophiles to target children through deception both online and off, and kids need to be taught some street smarts without having to go into the details which they wouldn’t understand.
On the other hand, most physical and sexual abuse—of both children and adults—occurs from people we know, often quite well. We are far more likely to be murdered by a family member or good friend than by a masked man breaking into our home in the night.
Perhaps we should be much more kind and welcoming to strangers (except those that give off a psychopath vibe which we should be ever-aware of), and much less so to family, or at least make sure to extend our wariness to those whom we’d never expect to harm us.
May 17, 2011
Janice
like Blanche DuBois, I have often relied on the kindness of strangers; and what is that lovely quote, “a stranger is a friend you haven’t met yet.” Of course you have to be mindful of potential dangers, but like the seat belt analogy, you don’t stop driving the car because you might get in an accident. Which brings to mind and sounds like it’s off-topic, but really isn’t……the mother who drives her kids to school to “protect” them texting all the way….
Hmm.
May 17, 2011
Rob Clinton
Exactly… Amazing that we squander our children’s curiosity by telling them everyone you don’t know is bad. There is so much to gain, but when you place the mental image of a corupt world in a child’s mind it does nothing for the world. As a matter of fact, it cripples the world even futher. My little one Nicholas likes to make origami’s (and other things), and recently he’s been recording videos of him doing so for blogging. I can’t wait to see where this goes as we continue to allow him to unfold his creative nature.
May 17, 2011
Alisha
I was just talking the other day about how I feel there is more good than bad. I recently had male strangers be nice to me and watch over me as I spent a portion of the night in a Colombian bus station. While many others thought about how dangerous that could have been, I thought about the kindness of strangers!
May 17, 2011
Kathleen Charter
I was in a small local store the other week a queue of strangers behind me, it was busy and people were restless. All my items were rung up and I went into my purse to pay and found I had no cash or card. I was beginning to get anxious when an nknown stranger in the queue behind me helped me with my bags paid for the goods and helped me out the store. I am afraid to say I could hardly believe this kindness and we exchanged numbers and contacts and i sent the person a cheque in the post. when asked why he was moved to help, he simply said why not? his graciousness was wonderful. Random act of kindness to the max.
We are all under the same sky and essentially share the same water we are connected.
May 18, 2011
John Sherry
I live right near a school and the other week we had clear roads and no traffic as it was a holiday. This week the normal mayhem as every parent in the city seemed to want to take Pete or Sally to school. Why? Some parents I know told me it’s because there is so much traffic! THEY are the traffic but insist not and find every fear from paedophiles to slipping on icy pavements which could damage their child’s brain that means they have to drive a quarter mile. And who is hearing this, seeing it, reading it every day in their actions and behaviours and taking it all in to repeat some day? Yep, the poor kids. When parents can let go a little their children might just get to see the most marvellous world!!
May 18, 2011
Richard Pook
Somehow it does seems acceptable to be rude or short, or ignore people these days. Maybe it’s a part of keeping out of each others ways for safety in big cities, but helping people, and being kind to people is at the heart of being a human being. Just like the school teacher said in the earlier comments, something seems to take us away from this natural sensitivity. I helped a blind lady cross the road the other day. It was a honour to do, and she was very appreciative and I felt “good” for the rest of the day.
May 18, 2011
Cynthia Wenslow
I taught my kids that people are mostly good, but I also gave them the chance to learn to trust their instincts by giving them little scenarios and tasks in controlled settings. Because, after all, there are going to be times they *need* to talk to strangers. Why cripple one’s kids with unfounded fear?
So, in a grocery store, for example, I’d ask them to find out from any stranger what time it was. They invariably picked someone who was not at all scary, and stayed away from people who raised a subconscious red flag.
They are both adults now and meet the world head on. My son is a firefighter/EMT and even off-duty, he often *is* the stranger kids gravitate to when in need, and my daughter is an artist who has a knack for making everyone around her feel comfortable.
May 18, 2011
Clara Mathews
I have received many kind acts from strangers while traveling, especially in Europe. People are basically good at heart, but the fact that there are some people who are truly evil makes us be more careful and less trusting of strangers.
May 18, 2011
Sandra Martin
I’ve had so many “strangers” be kind to me, both while traveling and here at home. I’m extremely fortunate to be able to live on the Big Island of Hawaii, where being kind and showing the Aloha spirit is part of the culture and seems to take up residence in all who move or visit here.
If you want to read more good news, you might check out heroicstories.com. Their motto is “Restoring Faith in Humanity…One Story at a Time”. They will make you laugh and cry, but always leave you feeling better about the world we live in. (Note: I am not affiliated with them in any way, except as a subscriber & reader of the stories posted.)
May 18, 2011
Ruth McLauchlan
Kids face the greatest dangers from family members and friends. Maybe the best approach is to encourage the development of one’s inner radar so that children learn to trust those inner feelings triggered by the energies swirling around us. Rational thought that conveniently categorizes people by logic – e.g. family member = good, stranger = bad – is often completely divorced from reality.
The more we can trust our inner awareness, the more we can open our hearts and minds to the overwhelming kindness and decency of people everywhere, including those who seem very different from us. Folks in power – within families, institutions, nations – who wish for their own ends to have some measure of control over our lives profit mightily from promulgating a climate of fear and anxiety. When we implode the myths of ‘us vs. them’, we gain the freedom to traverse our personal worlds – anywhere in the world – with both protective self-awareness and liberating joy in the celebration of each other.
May 18, 2011
Kim Kircher
@Morgan, I love your words: “The world is a mirror: most people are mostly good if I myself am mostly good.” Isn’t that so true? In so many ways, the world is a reflection of ourselves. I’ve always believed that of experiences, but had never extended that thought to other people as well. Thanks for opening my mind.
May 18, 2011
Stare Clips
Part of growing up is unlearning all of the things taught in childhood. This isn’t because those things taught in childhood were “wrong”, but because they were age appropriate.
As a child, you’re told not to try driving the car. When you get older, you are encouraged to do so. As a child, you’re told not to run away from home. When you get older, you are encouraged to leave the nest.
It’s OK to teach children that people are basically good, but the reason you tell a child not to trust other adults other than pre-selected adults by the parents (teachers, babysitters, etc…) is because children aren’t adults. A child doesn’t have the ability to discern a good person from a bad person. A child often has a hard time saying “no” to an adult during times of inappropriateness whereas most adults can.
The message isn’t to teach your children that everyone is bad. The real lesson is that children don’t yet have the ability to discern good people from bad people. Many adults still struggle with this one. If your child understands right from wrong, can discern which people are trustworthy, can make business deals without being swindled, and can drive a car… then he/she must be an adult.
May 18, 2011
Allison P
One day I went to Noodles & Co. after school but I forgot I didn’t bring my wallet with me so I was about to leave and the woman behind me bought my meal. After I went and sat down her little daughter brought me the cookie I was going to buy so I offered to share it with her, even though she refused it was a really sweet thing to do! RAndoM nice PeopLe maKe My DaYs!
May 19, 2011
David
As a kid, I saw it both ways, within about ten minutes.
Back when they actually used to pump your gas FOR you, I was a pump jockey.
A guy came in and asked me for five dollars worth of gas, which I dutifully pumped. He handed me three dollars. I said “Uh, sir, it’s FIVE dollars”. He said he’d said he only wanted three. My word against his – and it’s not like I could take the other two dollars worth of gas OUT. Guess where the other two bucks was coming from? Yup. My paycheck.
A few minutes later someone came in with out-of-state plates and asked me to fill ‘er up. I did and it came to ten dollars. He paid with his credit card and drove off. A few minutes later he came back and asked if I’d charged him correctly. As no one had been in since, I pointed to the pump and said “Yeah – see? It still says ten dollars”. He pointed to the OTHER side of the pump that said FOURTEEN dollars. I was sure which side I’d pumped it from, but he wrote his name and address on the credit card receipt and told me that if I came up short to let him know and he’d send me the other four bucks.
You could have knocked me over with a feather.
Thirty some-odd years later, I STILL remember that kindness.
May 19, 2011
Barb
We left Maine in October, 2010 to begin sailing around the world. We sailed down the US coast, through the Bahamas and are now in Antigua. Along the way we’ve been told to avoid certain cities or neighborhoods. We’ve met good people everywhere. We greet them with a “Good morning” or “Buenas Dias”, look them in the eye and smile. We don’t take unnecessary chances, but we don’t limit our experiences based on when others feel safe. We have never been disappointed. People have given us directions, offered us rides, found the right bus for us and helped me have the right change for the bus driver. I exchange recipes and get advice on local ingredients. People are good.
May 19, 2011
Victoria
I am an American living in France for over 15 years and I found myself unemployed for the very first time in my life during the 2009 financial meltdown.
After months of searching I finally cracked and headed down to the unemployment office. I was feeling like the world’s biggest fool and oh was I stressed.
The people at the Pole Emploi were WONDERFUL. Professional, helpful, they really went out of their way to explain how the system worked. And, at one point, the lady who was helping me took a good long look at my very stressed-out and unhappy face and she gently suggested that I take 2 weeks vacation to get my head together and relax. I just about cried. And I did exactly as she said and I felt much better and eventually did find a job. To say that I am grateful would be the understatement of the year.
May 19, 2011
Susan
Last week I pretty much passed out on the NYC subway platform (long story, but I’m fine) and I had no shortage of people trying to help me. One guy in a suit on the way to a meeting stayed with me until the paramedics came. They just to checked me out to make sure I was okay, and we were all on our way within a half hour or so.
People in NY are the nicest anywhere. They’re just in a hurry and stressed, but you will always find someone who wants to help.
May 19, 2011
Sarah M
I loved this post, Chris and all the comments proceeding it.
I LOVE to travel for several reasons, but the main drive is meeting new people, interacting with them and learning their story(ies). I thrive on that connection and being reminded of the positive human nature. When I don’t know where the hell I’m going, where to eat, or how to say “Cheers” in a new language, there has never been a shortage of people to help me out. My mother says I’m naive, father thinks I’m stupid, I think I’m optimistic. And so far (27 years later), that’s worked out for me pretty well.
Keep the wise words and intriguing questions coming!
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