I’m sitting in a bar in Washington, D.C., listening to another writer talk about the untimely demise of her blog. The blog in question started at almost the same time as The Art of Nonconformity. When I first read her writing last year, I knew she was going places. The posts were crisp, funny, and helpful at the same time.
In fact, when I read almost any of her writing, I thought it was better than most of mine. Then, after a few months of steady content, one day she stopped writing.
Naturally, I wondered, “Why? What happened?”
After she missed another few posting deadlines, I wrote her to ask what was going on. The answers I heard back were vague. “I’m taking a break for a while,” she said at first, and then a couple of weeks later, she said she needed to spend more time on paid work. I thought those would have been acceptable answers from some people — but coming from her, I wondered if there was another story.
Nine months later, I’m in her city and have successfully tracked her down. It’s great to meet up. We drink beer and talk about life, business, and our mutual friends.
But the whole time I’m wondering – what happened with the blog?
That’s when she tells me the whole story. Yes, she had some personal things going on, and yes, the day job got busy for a while. But what really caused her to stop writing was one highly-negative comment an anonymous reader sent in.
I’m not talking about constructive criticism or merely a disagreement. She was used to disagreements and the occasional snarky person – that’s part of the job – but this comment went further. It was a personal attack that failed to contribute anything of value. Unfortunately for all of the rest of us who read the site, she took it so personally that she stopped writing. The world lost the ideas and input of a great writer.
Goodbye, blog. Thanks for all you’ve given us, but it’s over now.
The Personal Responsibility Factor
I know what you’re thinking: How can one negative comment cause someone to stop doing the work they believe in? When something like that happens, shouldn’t we just suck it up and go on?
In short, yes, I know we have a responsibility to keep going and ignore these kinds of things. In the long-term, there is no other option. My friend knows this too, and she’s working on it.
However, rejection and negativity are serious demotivators. This is far from the first time something like this has happened — in fact, I think it’s safe to say that it’s a fairly common experience. So even while I challenged my friend to get past the hurt and return to what she was good at, I also felt angry towards the random person who caused her to put the whole project on hold.
If someone who gives up bears some of the responsibility themsleves, so does the person who influenced the decision. That’s why it’s also fair to begin challenging the people who do this kind of thing… and that’s why I need to do a better job of explaining who my friends and enemies are.
Enemies? Yes, while I wish I could love everyone, I refuse to love people who derive their value from harming others. In fact, I have almost no patience whatsoever for this kind of behavior from these kinds of people.
Friends and Enemies
See, every good social movement has an enemy. You need friends, naturally, but when you set out to create real change, you also need a common enemy.
In previous entries about building a small army and being awesome, I haven’t done the best job of explaining this principle. You deserve my apology, and you can expect to see further improvement in this area. Let’s start here:
My friends are people who want to change the world. My enemies are people who want to stop them.
I’m going to explain it further, but that’s probably a good summary.
Friends – over the past year I’ve connected with all kinds of people who read the site. I don’t like to categorize people, but many of them are artists or entrepreneurs of some kind. Others are fellow travelers or expats, others are students trying to figure out what to do with their lives, and still others come from different walks of life that are vastly different than mine.
I am pro-diversity, and I am not in the business of telling people what to do. As far as I can tell, the common thread among us is a frustration with the status quo and a desire to live life on our own terms.
Enemies – On the other hand, my enemies are critics, cynics, and gatekeepers who wish to keep people from being free. These people add no value to the world — in fact, they subtract value by bringing other people down.
You might think these are easy targets. No one likes negative people, right? Well, let me assure you that these kinds of people are everywhere. You can usually achieve short-term gain by being an asshole, and most people won’t call you on it.
Most people, of course, are not the kind of people who change the world. For those of us who do want to create positive change, it’s time to come off the defensive. This is a wrong that needs to be righted. We can’t allow people to win by shutting us down. They don’t deserve that much power.
Wrap-Up
I left the bar and took a long walk up Massachusetts Avenue back to my hotel on 14th Street. Twenty-four hours later I’m writing these notes from Dulles airport — not usually a place that goes hand-in-hand with gratitude.
(Side note: I seriously wonder what my international friends think when they fly into this crazy airport in our nation’s capital. It’s kind of like landing in Moldova, which is not really the kind of environment you expect when you travel to a country like the U.S.)
Anyway, despite the eeriness of IAD, I’m tremendously grateful. My life is superb. I’m looking forward to the months ahead, and I’m always up for making more friends. But I am also going to be more honest in the future and calling it like it is. I hope you’ll stick around, but if not, I understand.
Regardless, as you are recruiting army and pursuing world domination, you’ll need to define who your friends and enemies are. And as we’ve seen here, you’ll need to watch out for people who suck. Don’t let them get the best of you.
Oh, by the way – my friend is going to start blogging again soon. Once she gets going, I’ll tell you about her site. I know if she sticks with it, she’ll have even more of a following and can achieve all the goals we talked about last night. That’s her responsibility, and I think she’s up for it.
As for me, I want to help people who are out to change the world – and I really have no patience for those who are out to stop them.
How about you — what side are you on? Have you encountered this problem before?
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February 26, 2009
Sheila
This seems like a really good place to share Sheila’s Patent Method for dealing with Criticism:
Ask yourself whether it’s true.
If it is, then youch!, but you’ve learned something, usually something important.
If it isn’t, then you still have a problem dealing with them, but at least you have a clearer idea what the problem is – usually that they’re insecure, maybe that they’re mis-informed.
I also notice that people tend to accuse you of their own faults, like the anonymous phone call which accused my husband of being a coward.
Please pass on a message to your friend who stopped blogging. Tell her that I’ve been a member of an online critique group for science Fiction and fantasy for about 7 years. In that time I’ve had critiques which said I was a genius and critiques which politely said they didn’t like anything about the story, but they thought I could improve it thus and so. I’ve also had three which were simply attacks: “I could care less! Learn to spell!” etc. I notice that none of the three writers had been published, and to the best of my knowledge they haven’t been published since.
So I conclude that your friend is a much better writer than her attacker. That’s why she got attacked.
February 26, 2009
Laura
I have a mantra for dealing with “negapants” people too (love that word!). I say “People are stupid.” It seems counter-intuitive, but it works quite well. The implication is that it takes effort not to be stupid, and most people just don’t want to work that hard. Then I can pity them for missing out, and move on with my life.
I’m not out to change the world. I just want to set up my own private “empire” within it, and live healthy and well there. I want to live as best as I can for myself, my community, and My People. Those whom I am close to, and who share these goals, are My People. Negapantses aren’t.
February 26, 2009
Dana
Linnea, yes. And one of the ways that women are vicious and destructive to one another is by deflecting attention from the nasty things men do by saying something negative about other women.
I would rather suffer through a lifetime of women saying mean things to me, than even once be assaulted by a man. Words hurt, but words don’t maim you, cripple you, impregnate you against your will, or kill you.
More generally: I have learned the hard way that it’s important to look at the structure of what a person is doing, rather than the content of what they are doing. I am another sensitive blogger, but in my case it does not manifest so much by my running away and hiding, but by my getting really enraged and swearing.
And yet, rage and swearing are what is written off as “troll” behavior. A commenter can use the sweetest, nicest language and still be harassing me or threatening me, and yet their behavior will be overlooked or excused because they didn’t “yell” or swear. I, on the other hand, will be written off for reacting to them because I didn’t self-censor.
This trend is especially insidious among liberal types, but it’s about as useful as ignoring reactionary types and hoping they go away–neither works, and both result in bullies and reactionaries gaining more ground. So that I’m left having to make friends all over again, and this country is left hoping that it can cut its budget deficit in half by the time Obama’s first term is over, to say nothing of all the other damage that’s been done to our nation and to our world reputation.
It really is OK to be grouchy and irritable and even to swear in response to a genuine wrongdoing. Otherwise it looks like you don’t care about what’s happening, and bullies are emboldened.
They don’t deserve manners. Reserve those for people who aren’t bullies. That’s what manners are for.
February 26, 2009
Mynde
I love this. Thank you. Obviously, yes, I’ve been here. Rather recently actually… still processing. My thing was particularly difficult because the enemy (the behavior really, not the person) was disguised as a friend. When we had a disagreement. It happens. But how we choose to show up in that disagreement drove home a decision to finally… say no to negativity. Ouch.
For today, I am practicing remembering that I can put boundaries in place to love myself better. Yes. But eventually, I need to love to extend beyond me if I am really committed to changing the world. How do I do that? I’ll get back to you. But I realized through my recent experience with my said Negapants, that belittling, punishing or being disgusted with the behavior will never work because that’s what I experienced from Negapants to begin with and it certainly didn’t work for me… why will it work for them?
“It is only through love that you can return anyone to love. And if you do not have a way of returning them to love, they will always be a problem to your society.” ~Abraham, Esther & Jerry Hicks
I said No and just love her from here. That’s all I got for now. Well, and posts like these with commenters like yours. Thank you again. It’s great to see it resonating with so many other people.
February 26, 2009
@TheGirlPie
Thanks, Chris, for your smart and thoughtful post — looking forward to reading your friend’s restarted blog — and I appreciated your “Friends + Enemies” logline.
I was intrigued when I found that I, by professions and nature, am all three of your definitions of ‘enemy.’
I’m a critic (part of my long-time consultant business),
and a cynic (maybe due to first-born Aries raised in a time of distrust and a dogma-free home? — or maybe just the detective in me)
and I’ve been a gatekeeper for several clients and employers — big-wigs need smart filters: we let the good ones, the world changers like you, in to the gated-ones, and keep the cranks, like the one who shut down your pals’ desire to write, out.
I suspect I’m not actually the enemy of you, or of any creative entrepreneur. But it’s interesting who and how we label. I’m lucky you do have big goals — I have no such goals to change the world. But I am pleased to change the way a world is seen and interacted with, word by word, for one person at a time.
Thanks for the lovely post, and I can just imagine the talk you had with our beloved Naomi on the subject of blog comments… oy vey~!
February 28, 2009
David S.
At my day job, one negative remark can easily outweigh 100 positive ones, which is just crazy when you think about it. Negative comments are much easier to move past when I know I’m doing the best I can and not being flaky or lazy.
I just started my first blog two months ago, so I haven’t had the “pleasure” of a negative comment yet. I’m assuming it’s just a matter of time until someone has to say “You call this good?” or something to that effect. The fact that I think I’m ready for it is why I was able to start posting in the first place. We shall see!
March 19, 2009
Joshua LeJeune
I just started a new blog a few weeks back and received my first negative comments this week. My girlfriend asked me if I felt deterred. I told her I wasn’t because I have a solid amount of hits everyday and many positive comments so far in the early going. People are more apt to comment on a post when they are irked by something than when they agree – not sure why that is.
I take nothing away from your friend, however, as negative comments, especially one that seems to have been so hurtful, are never easy to swallow. I’m happy for her that she is renewing her blog and look forward to reading it.
Great post.
March 28, 2009
Muriel
Chris, when you’re in your fifties, you’ll meet even more nega-pants (great word!). I’m not crazy about the concept of enemies either. What I do is enjoy my friends and avoid people I don’t care for.
I hope your friend gets over the hurt and starts blogging again. Let us know!
April 19, 2009
Keith
Chris,
I just found you blog today and I am still exploring your content. I like what I see.
It appears to me. That terrorist is a better word than enemy. An enemy may have goal that just happen to be in conflict with our own goals.
A terrorist has no goal but to inflict pain and suffering. A terrorist wins when they change who we are and how we act. Don’t let the literary terrorist win.
Tell your friend, to keep writing, she has a story to tell and friend who want to hear it.
May 1, 2009
tippy
Hey Chris. i received this link via your comment on another article.
I’m happy that what I’ve been going through since I’ve started blogging is just normal after all. I was actually blaming myself for being so caught up in some comments last year. I once even wrote that dementors (from HP) actually exist! They suck the happiness out of you. In the end though, I realized, I’m not really hurting anyone when I’m writing, sharing photos, graphics & whatnot. I guess, I shouldn’t really stop pursuing stuff that I’m really passionate about.
June 26, 2009
Karine
Actually, it’s sad to say, but some a-holes will actually succeed in the long run (not just in the short term). Come to L.A. and work in the entertainment industry for a while and this will become clear fairly soon.
But that doesn’t mean that we have to sink to that level to succeed. I like to think (hope?) that these people are NOT successful where it really counts in life.
As for the hateful blog comments: I’ve seen more and more bloggers post manifestos about this in recent months; something to the effect of “Consider my blog as my living room, and if you say something impolite and completely uncalled-for to my face, I will not invite you into my home again.” They make clear that disagreement and criticism are certainly allowed, but everyone should respect each other and be able to back up their arguments, as you would for any colleague. But personal attacks and hateful remarks for their own sake should not be tolerated, and can’t be held to the same rules of “open forum.” They should be deleted without comment (and if it’s recurrent, that poster should be banned).