I talked with someone who was in the process of calling fifteen people to get their opinions on a project.
Why was any one of our opinions worth so much effort? I’m not sure, but someone had told her she should seek out as many opinions as possible before deciding what to do.
The standard line is: Listen to what other people have done and avoid making the same mistakes.
But maybe instead of just hearing about them, you need to make these mistakes yourself. Or maybe you won’t actually make the mistakes in the first place—just because someone else screwed up doesn’t mean you will.
Other people think because they are older than you, or because they paid a lot of money for a piece of paper you don’t have, you are then obligated to listen to them. Guess what? You’re not obligated.
Thankfully, there’s an alternative. The alternative is: instead of going out and asking people, skip that whole process and just do what feels best to you.
I like Derek’s hell-yeah test for deciding between competing opportunities. The basic idea is that when you think about the idea, if it’s not a “hell yeah,” don’t do it. I’ve modified this a bit in my own life to be: if it’s a “hell yeah,” why not go for it?
Hell yeah, why wouldn’t we invite everyone to Portland for a big adventure? Hell yeah, why not go to every country in the world? Nate is walking across America by himself—hell yeah!
***
When seeking advice, the first question you should ask yourself is: How is this person qualified to advise me?
For example: is this “business coach” someone who has never owned a real business, besides telling other people how to run theirs? (There are a surprising number of “business coaches” who operate in this realm.)
Does this “life coach” really have it all figured out for themselves, or is the whole thing a circular operation, built on creating more life coaches for imaginary clients?
Whoever it is, what is this person’s bias? Do they want you to make a certain decision that benefits them? Are they concerned about being right or looking good?
The answers to these questions matter—which is why you can skip the whole thing by not asking in the first place.
Confessional
There are very few times I have ever asked for advice on a big change or transition. Almost none.
I often ask about the details of the change: “How should I do this?” But I never ask about the vision: “Where am I going?” I already know where I’m going. It’s my life; it’s my plan.
I know that some people will think this is arrogant. But forget about me and just step back to look at your own life. You know yourself better than anyone else ever will. Who else could possibly be qualified to advise you on the business of you? It’s your life and your plan.
So go ahead, get advice on the specifics. But leave the big picture to yourself. You are never obligated to solicit or receive feedback from anyone.
###
Image: LVC
June 13, 2011
Austin L. Church
As far as asking advice on specifics, like “What would you like to see more of on my blog?” SurveyMonkey is a great tool—and it’s free. As far as the vision-casting is concerned though, if you’re not the one doing it for yourself, you’ll end up lost in the wilderness of other people’s opinions and good intentions. Research and polling leads to paralysis after awhile. Go out and do it.
June 13, 2011
Amber
I grew up believing everything I did was a mistake and never trusted my own decisions or opinions about anything.
After a decade or so, I’m realizing most people I know don’t have a clue or at least I know just as much or even more so sometimes.
June 13, 2011
Caz Makepeace
Hell yeah! Totally agree with this advice.
My thought is always no one else will care about your life as much as you. They don’t know what you know, what your dreams are, what your abilities are or where your strengths lie.
They will always say what you can and can’t do based on their own limitations and experiences. They will set it too low for you.
I rarely take advice from others because I believe in myself and my ability to know what is right for me.
I have only royally f###ed up once. But, when i look at it, I really acted against what my inner voice told me to do. I have people in my life who didn’t think that was the right choice, and part of my frustration with it not working out and learnign this lesson is because I knew how smugly self satisfied they would be to know they were right. In the end this is all other people care about for you, whether they were right or wrong. She tried to dig into me the other day to let me know what a fool I was and how right she was. I shut her down immediately with these words.
“it was just a mistake that is all. And it was my mistake to make. I’ve learned from it and I have moved on.”
June 13, 2011
Sun Sun
Some of my family members like to make decisions for me. I know they’ve got more experiences than me and I’m sure they know a lot that i don’t, but I’m really sick of all those advices. I totally agree that they can tell me how to do instead of what to do. If they really wanna help me, or really advice for my own good, then they should support my decision and help me reach my goal.
June 13, 2011
Christina
The question that’s been helpful to me is “Will I regret NOT doing this?” I decided that I never want to look back and think “What would have happened if…” Better to fail miserably and know the outcome instead of wasting time wondering. Nice post.
June 13, 2011
Laura George
This echoes a lot of what I’ve been learning lately about myself. Truly, from teensy things to gigantic things, I feel better when I decide them for myself and when I go with my instinct. If I over-think it, I’ll be using other people’s opinions even if I haven’t asked them. And I make the better decisions for me when I decide myself.
Plus, my instinct tends to be right!
June 13, 2011
Rhonda
I have allowed myself to be derailed from making my own decisions and keeping promises to myself way too many times. I truly focus on making decisions on my own as much as is profitable at this point in my life. At day’s end, and life’s end, we only have ourselves to blame for not living a passionate life, or ourselves to thank for choosing a true path and sticking with it. Yea for believing in oneself. Yea for saying, “No thanks” to bad advice.
June 13, 2011
C
There speaks someone who has never taken a big risk in his life that has turned bad.
It’s the voice of a theorist for whom things have generally worked out OK having taken on a few adventures, but not real risks.
A real risk is something with a big potential downside.
The real experience is when it doesn’t work out and you face the reality of the serious downside.
Flying off somewhere or quitting a job is not taking a big risk.
As far as asking other opinions is concerned the value is in raising your awareness. No individual has the ability to be completely aware. The art is to listen and evaluate.
June 14, 2011
Lachlan Wittick
I’m currently backpacking around Ecuador. What I’m loving about the traveling experience is that it’s encouraging me to stop following Lonely Planet, and start following my gut instinct.
From Lachy
June 14, 2011
Owen Marcus
Before you ask – know what you feel and want.
What I see take people out is they are going around asking when they don’t really know what they want and how they feel about it. It is easy to run with someone else’s opinions when you don’t know what is behind yours.
I try to go in before I go out. That means I get a sense of what I want, why I want it and what does all that feel like. Once I have a grounded vision of what I want, then I may ask for advice.
Jonathan Fields closing presentation at your WDS had all of us laughing. As he related your call to him where he asked you if you had done any of what you were planning to do with the WDS and you continued to respond with no… then he ask if you were going to do it. You said yes.
I agree, you don’t need to know how to embark on the journey. You just need an intention backed with action.
June 14, 2011
Jodi
100% agreed.
I would like to offer one comment about your reference to coaches. A good coach does not give advice at all, but will ask questions designed to help you get clear on what it is that you really want. Great coaching can help a great deal in making choices along your path. I had a wonderful woman who helped me make a very important change in my life 4 years ago and I’ve been clearer ever since.
Thanks for your articles – just don’t want to see people throw all coaches out with the bathwater!
June 14, 2011
Andre
It’s amazing how some things are so obvious, but we lack the perspective to think about them.
Great take on the topic, Chris! Thanks.
June 14, 2011
John Sherry
Ask for advice if you want people to change your mind, your plan, or your end result and because you don’t have full ownership within you for what you are/will be doing. Don’t ask when you only need your own permission. Advice often equals more confusion.
June 14, 2011
Caris Adel
What an inspiring post. I wonder if sometimes people ask those questions because deep down they’re afraid to go for it, even if they really want to. Having someone else offer up a ‘no’ validates their fear and makes it easier to give in to the fear instead of saying hell, yeah and trying it.
June 14, 2011
Alex Humphrey
I really like the “Hell yeah!” test. Hell yeah, I’ll quit my day job to be an author and coach! Hell yeah, I’ll get married to the woman of my dreams. Hell yeah!
June 14, 2011
Sheila
I give advise all the time in the course of my work. The most successful people I have worked with put the most value on their own decision making ability. That doesn’t mean they don’t listen and learn, but they take away what works for them. As well as anyone knows you, you know better if you listen to your heart.
If I have a client who runs around to get everyone’s opinion, I know it’s probably going to go nowhere because they’ll get paralyzed. It’s a lot like reading the reviews on Amazon before you decide to buy the book…the more you read the 1 and 2 star reviews the more you question your choice.
June 14, 2011
Marianney
It takes a lot of confidence to not ask for help or advice. And maybe that’s what I’ve been missing all this time. What an eye-opener.
I’m going to start asking myself the “hell yeah” question when the doubts creep in.
June 14, 2011
Cynthia
Hi. How fortunate you are. Maybe even privileged to have the health and soundness of mind to trust your intuition and judgments without consulting anyone else. I know many many of us who have a hell-ya that gets us…well closer to a hellava mess.
I am an entrepreneur but I know it takes a LOT of support to follow my own wisdom. Why? I blame it on the power of mirror neurons, those little bits of me that make me an instant cultural copycat. Should I feel bad about this? Hell-no. Its nature. And hey it turns out that we are not solo creatures.
I love your message on the level of deep listening, though. I work with a guy just like you. He is my inspiration. I also notice I don’t see too many wise=guys like the two of you. So I try not to take it personally when I need help.
June 14, 2011
Brooke Rothman
I’m so inspired by this post. I have to tell you, as someone who asks advice on almost everything, I often find myself feeling unproductive, indecisive, and defeated. I worry I won’t get things right, and that if I choose wrong, I’ll be doomed. Total story, I know.
I’m going to give the “hell yeah” test a shot. I think it’s probably the perfect test for me, and I’m really looking forward to it. Thanks for writing this, Chris.
June 15, 2011
Michael Max
Yeah! Knew it in my bones when I read it.
“Make your own big decisions, ask for advice on the details.”
Certainly has worked well for me in this life, and has opened the most interesting of doors.
Thanks for the reminder
June 15, 2011
Wayne
I don’t think it’s being arrogant at all. It’s taking personal responsibility for who we are and who we will become. Perhaps we seek so many opinions because we are afraid. I’ve been afraid when about to venture out into something that could crash and burn. I still become afraid sometimes. But I’ve found that even during the rough times, I wouldn’t go back and do it someone else’s way. If my path is rough for a while, then that’s OK. Better to be free “on the road” than subservient in the gilded change of the opinions of others.
June 16, 2011
Adam Stanecki
I always find that after considering all the information relevant to making a good decision the final call is made by how I feel in my gut. All the info can point to “yes” but if my gut says “no” then “no” is the answer.
The gut check has worked well for people for years and I can’t see it changing any time soon.
June 20, 2011
Billie Jo
I will occasionally ask advice from a few trusted people–my boyfriend, my best friend, and my college advisor-turned-trusted-mentor. However, even these people who know me better than anyone else have their own ideas of what they think I should be doing. So, no matter what they might say, I always listen to their advice through the filter of “What is my gut telling me?” Many times, they tell me what they think I should do, but my physical reaction to the advice tells me to go the complete opposite direction…and I listen to it. If I know I’d be miserable doing what everyone else thinks I should do, why do it?
Too many cooks in the kitchen spoil the broth. And nothing great was ever made by committee. Listen to yourself!
Thanks for the post, Chris!
June 27, 2011
Stephen Davy
Trusting your gut is absolutely vital as you say, but sometimes we get so muddled up with over thinking at’s difficult to hear what the gut says! I’ve often had trouble making decisions about important things, until I started taking the pressure off. Now I ask what feels like fun? Happy feelings in your body seem right to me.
Though I make lots of mistakes, but hey… Making mistakes for yourself is all part of the process, otherwise we’d actually listen to what our parents or teachers told us in the first place!
June 30, 2011
Lisa Betts-LaCroix
I’m completely down with the underlying emphasis on being the author of your own life and I agree that asking for input can result in giving away power, especially if the query comes from insecurity in the first place. However, if you’re coming from a confident place, outside input can be fun, collaborative and contributive. Two examples come to mind:
When naming my daughter, I put together a surveymonkey of ten names and asked friends to rate how much they liked each name as well as what each name suggested to them. The results gave me insight into how her name might be perceived by others and also created a super fun document for the future which I think my daughter will love having.
Recently, when I was trying to decide which direction to go next my life, I wrote a blogpost and facebook post sharing my Values, Skills, Interests and Personality and asked people who know me and those who don’t, what future possibilities come to mind. I got many insightful responses and much of what I already knew was supported. I also received new ideas I hadn’t thought of which deepened my thinking.
If you can ask for input without giving away power, then doing so can be beneficial.
July 11, 2011
Courtney
I absolutely, positively, love, love, love this! So on point with an experience I just had last week. Thanks for articulating what I’ve been feeling all along–my hell yeah moment is right now!
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