Looking for “Starting With What You Have”? It’s over here.
***
When people ask for advice about something, I’ve learned to be careful about being too honest. Sometimes I’ll say first:
“Before I answer, do you want to hear ‘that sounds great!’ Or do you want to hear what I really think?”
This is because when we ask for advice, sometimes we’re really looking for affirmation. We want to hear, Yes! I love it! Proceed! Because we’re already married to the idea we want advice on, we’d be disappointed to hear anything less than an enthusiastic endorsement.
And actually, I think this is OK. It’s natural to want to hear positive feedback; it’s good to know that people you trust agree with your plan. But I’d also say that much of the time, we either already know what we need to do about something, or we can figure it out ourselves without something else nodding or shaking their head. If you already know, why ask?
On the other hand, the right kind of advice from the right people can save us from missteps. I have a small advisory team in Portland, whose official role is to help plan next year’s World Domination Summit. I originally said I wanted to do it in March, they said (unanimously) it should be in June. OK, I said—I took their advice and changed the plan. I originally said I wanted 300 people to come, and they said, “Why only 300?”–to which I realized, alright, let’s just open registration later this fall and see what happens.
Those are two examples of very good advice. But I value their advice because I know they believe in the project. If any of them didn’t believe in it, I wouldn’t think less of them, but I also wouldn’t seek out their advice. Why go looking for affirmation from someone who doesn’t believe?
***
Another thing: if you’ve got your heart set on doing something, it really doesn’t matter whether anyone else thinks it’s a good idea or not. So on those occasions where someone honestly does want my advice and I think the project is a bad idea, I try to make sure I also say that my opinion isn’t the final say. Plenty of people thought the iPod would flop too. So I could be wrong about your idea, and so could anyone else.
Sure, your heart can lead you astray, but at least it will be a more enjoyable ride.
###
Image: Stefan
May 7, 2010
Ilyas
CONSULT, v.i. To seek another’s disapproval of a course already decided on.
(from “The Devil’s Dictionary” by Ambrose Bierce, via @farazrabbani)
May 10, 2010
Kristin
Isn’t that the truth. Encouragement, and constructive criticism are not the same thing. There’s a time and place for both, but not always easy to tell which and when. Especially if someone says something as wide open as, “What do you think?”
June 17, 2010
Jason @ Filmmaking Stuff
Thanks Chris. Being in the film world, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had unconventional ideas that (at first) made my colleagues think I was nuts. It takes courage to push forward. It takes courage to admit your set-backs when the ideas don’t pay off. But it is damn validating when ideas DO pay off!
If you can help it, avoid asking for permission.
June 17, 2010
Leslie Strom
My least favorite piece of unsolitcited advice is “Don’t burn your bridges!” Most of the bridge-burning I’ve done has turned out well.
June 17, 2010
Jacques Werth
If Henry Ford had asked people if they wanted a faster horse, or a machine that could do the work of 20 faster horses, he might have sold more cars faster.
June 17, 2010
Kathryn
One thing I’ve learnt is that if you don’t want people giving you advice on your private life/personal matters, don’t discuss it with them. You can’t have the priviledge of dumping your issues on other people and then expect them not to interfere… and if you don’t like it, too bad. I learnt that the hard way
January 12, 2011
Soniei
Kathryn, that’s such a great idea!!! So, whenever someone asks me how my business is doing I’m just gonna say “Business? What business??” because, for the past 6+ years, everyone and their dog has advice for me. It gets old fast! I hate getting advice if I don’t ask for it… sometimes I’m just not emotionally strong enough to take advice at that moment, OR I think it’s just none of their business, OR I already have my own plan / way of handling my challenges, OR, etc etc. However, when I do ask for advice, let me have it.. good or bad.. ’cause I’m ready for it. But until I actually ask for advice, shhhhhh! :p