Realistic is the adjective of cynics. Wherever you encounter skeptics, naysayers, and charlatans, you will always encounter this word.
I’m not saying it’s a bad word, that there’s no logic to it, or that it’s completely irrelevant. I’m just saying… who cares whether something is realistic or not? You might as well leave this word to the cynics—let them have it. Let them own it. It won’t do you any good anyway.
Realistic is used to do two things simultaneously: one, to criticize. Two, to justify.
First, the criticism. The message is: Who are you to think you could possibly follow a dream? How silly of you. Underneath this criticism lies the cynic’s justification of his own self-righteousness. To be around someone intent on following a path regardless of whether it is realistic or not can be deeply unsettling. Therefore, the experienced cynic will seek to deploy the shield of realistic to ensure he or she is not further troubled.
Second, the justification. The message is: My way is superior, no one could live like that, we can’t all do what we want all the time, blah blah blah.
But let there be no mistake: language is powerful. The words you use matter, so be deliberate. In one of his many recent TV interviews, someone asked Charlie Sheen if he wasn’t being a bit grandiose. His response:
“Of course I’m grandiose. I have a grandiose life and I’m embracing it. It doesn’t fit into their model, and their model sucks.”
Now, say what you will about Charlie Sheen—but that’s not the point. The point is that you too can live a grandiose life. Hopefully your version of this life involves more than hookers and cocaine, but what he says is true. Their model sucks! You’ll never really fit in.
***
Look around you at the world. Look at what troubles you. Look at what is not right. You could look at these things and reflect, as many people do: “It is what it is.” This is a popular expression among cynics, along with “Welcome to the Real World.”
Or you could reflect: “Hmmm. What could be done to change this?” Summoning the courage to answer this question is what separates you from the cynics.
How about when you succeed—then what? Alas, in the eyes of cynics, success is a hard sell. They’ll say you’re the exception, or that you didn’t follow the right rules to achieve the success. They’ll find a reason why your success is an outlier, and therefore not applicable to their model. But that’s OK, because their model sucks.
This is why you must not work for the approval of cynics; you must have a higher motivation that is yours alone. You must work for what is noble and right, and for what is true to your own self.
Because you, not being a cynic or a naysayer or a charlatan, have already tipped the odds in your favor simply by daring to believe in something. You’ll get your way in the end, and then people will say… “That’s nice, but it’s just not realistic.”
Then you continue to live your unrealistic, grandiose life.
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Image: CF
March 10, 2011
Francesca
That was just what I needed to read today, so deeply felt, thanks for being there Chris.
March 10, 2011
Kane Augustus
It’s ironic that I should have anything to say about your article, Chris, given that my blog is called Saint Cynic. Let me assure you, however, that it is not meant as a reflection of my character, but purely as a purposeful juxtaposition of clashing perspectives.
Anyway, I very much appreciate what you have written in your article. Your words have grabbed my head and my heart and shaken them up. I find that your site has that effect on me quite regularly, which is why I have concluded that your site is dangerous: it wisely and humbly addles people from their slumber, and unbuttons their securities.
Having said that, I should also add that I’m very grateful for the danger I encounter whenever I visit. My perspectives and, consequentially, my relationships have all improved since I’ve opened myself up to the helpfulness of your insights. I feel less compelled to shield myself by conforming, and more excited about living out-loud, and engaging my inherent freedoms.
March 10, 2011
Maria
It’s funny this showed up in my in box as I’m applying to an MBA program in the United Kingdom. From the reaction of many of my friends and family at this bit of information, you’d think I’d said I was going off to Tibet to start an ashram or something.
“Be realistic,” they all tell me. Well, I tried that for twenty odd years and it’s gotten me nowhere.
Chris, thank you for this piece.
March 10, 2011
Tom Huntington
I understand the sentiment and intention of how you are using “realistic” and I agree that if you use “it’s not realistic” to limit yourself, limit your goals, limit you vision of the future, you are doing a GREAT DISSERVICE to yourself — and if you do it to others (such as your children, your partner, your friends, your students, your co-workers, your friends), you are doing them a GREAT DISSERVICE. And it’s NOT TRUE either, because it’s about the future, and none of us really “know” the future.
However, living in “present reality” is the functional stepping stone every step of the way to a “grandiose” (or I prefer “awesome”) life — present reality of yourself inside yourself and outside yourself every moment.
March 10, 2011
Ellen Berg
Love this! As an 8th grade English teacher, I sometimes use an exercise where I require my students to color a coloring book page. The only rule is that they cannot color inside the lines or otherwise follow the “rules” of coloring. Some of my kids LOVE this; they immerse themselves in just coloring and creating. Other kids nearly have panic attacks and can hardly bring themselves to do it. These are usually the same kids who believe writing is “right” or “wrong.”
I try to challenge their thinking that there’s a right or wrong way to do things, that there are multiple paths to their goals and that they should dream big. We need more unrealistic thinkers in our world!
March 10, 2011
Margaret
Maria, HOW FUNNY! I confess. I went to India and then came back and turned an old farm into an ashram… so I got quite a chuckle about your comment!
Not doing that now but I do know HOW to do it in case I get another inspiration in that direction, or maybe I just have to write a book for all those who want to know how to do it,
or it’s just a book for me to integrate all I have learned in the process of LIFE AS AN ADVENTURE…we have many here who could contribute to a book with that title! I enjoy reading all these posts of interesting, creative people. Thank you, everyone!
March 10, 2011
Victor Reynolds
“Realistic,” another word for “I’m afraid to do it, and your doing it will reveal the coward in me so I’ll say what you’re doing is not ‘realistic’ to keep me from looking bad.”
Great article Chris!
March 10, 2011
lisa kakoske
I think it comes down to what you are willing to compromise and that compromise may not be whats in the best interest of your child… I in-fact did believe until I became a single parent.
Still on the fence.
March 10, 2011
Tracy
Love this. Thank you for reminding me to keep pushing forward no matter what people say!
March 10, 2011
Mike
I can’t identify with the standoffish tone of this article, or of many of the comments here.
Why must there be this us vs. them mentality? Why should optimism and realism be an either or? I believe in both equally. In fact many of the world’s greatest inventors and thinkers were both realistic and optimistic people.
When I’m being realistic with someone, I’m not trying to put them down or belittle their dream – but rather I want to help them get the best possible odds of achieving it.
For example if I have an unfit friend who wants to enter a martial arts tournament, I’d advise him to be REALISTIC about it, spend a few months training first, and then GO FOR IT.
March 10, 2011
Jenn Morgan
Thanks Chris. I always enjoy your outlook on how to turn seemingly negative energy into something constructive –
At Xmas I told my 6 year old brother, “I’m asking Santa for a reindeer for xmas.” He said, “Is that really going to happen?” I was kinda sad by that, but it was also kinda funny. You can’t pull anything over on him
I could hear my dad’s voice in it.
My dad is always telling me to get real. I’ve been taking it as a dare my whole life, and I constantly surprise him. Sometimes I think I just do it to prove him wrong…
I love the book ‘The Soul’s Code; In Search of Character and Calling”. Mr Hillman or maybe its Dr. Hillman – suggests that we choose our life and therefore, naysayers are our antagonists daring us on toward who we will become.
-J
March 10, 2011
Phyllis Vadala
You want unconventional? There must be something you admire in Charlie Sheen, to even mention that disgusting piece of filth’s name, and THAT is disturbing. He is nothing more than a woman beater, end of story, and any media interest (your’s included) that stoops to typing his name colludes to normalizing violence, devaluing women, and dehumanizing victimized sex workers. Men- YOU included Chris Whateveryourname is- deride the same women that they chase sexually. Why? because they want and need women, and women never want or need them. This arrangement puts men in a position of great weakness, so they lash out in violence. You mention in your text you hope Sheen could rise above cocaine and hookers….as if he had more inherent value, and was degrading himself with drugs and prostitutes. As if. I would feel bad for the cockroach that had to dine with that shmuck. What a disgusting infantile lot you boys are. REALLY.
March 10, 2011
Nina
‘have already tipped the odds in your favor simply by daring to believe in something’- Great words Chris! Inspiring and thought provoking as usual. To hell with all the cynics in the world.
Thanks for giving me the courage and motivation to continue living my ‘unrealistic, grandiose life.’
March 10, 2011
omecool20
I love this post Chris. Follow your dreams and do it, as you are responsible for your own life
March 11, 2011
Haider
The word “realistic” is misused to refer to what people *believe* is realistic, rather than how the world operates.
It’s important to make the distinction between reality and socially-constructed illusions that masquerade as reality. We should respect the former and ignore the latter.
To completely ignore reality and “being realistic” (in the true sense of the word) can lead to high hopes and shattered dreams. Not because we can’t achieve our goals, but because we haven’t understood how reality functions.
We didn’t reach the moon by ignoring reality. A number of hard-working scientists invested a great deal of time and energy to understand how gravity works and engineers had to construct the space shuttle accordingly.
“Nature to be commanded must be obeyed.” ~ Francis Bacon
March 11, 2011
Roger Ellman
You are so correct (!) about the importance and effect of the words one uses.
Reality is – fortunately – malleable! This does not change the force and great contribution of your article.
To great futures, imagined and unimagined !
March 11, 2011
connie b
Great post. I would add, “grow up.” I was told this when I was working, going to school and raising a child. I once delivered a graduation speech where I told the students that adults will say, grow up when they mean give up. It seems that if I’m having fun and doing what I want, that is somehow not grown up. Many of my students seemed to have given up by age 16 and I always wondered how can that be. Young people need to hear your words of wisdom.
March 11, 2011
Greg
Great piece Chris! There’s tremendous pressure to conform in so many areas of life and sometimes at very subtle levels. Thanks for continually being a champion for those of us who refuse!
March 11, 2011
Conor Ebbs
Hey Chris,
Thank you for this.
Realism is stoicism by another name, and stoicism is negativity in disguise.
There are narrow minds everywhere, blinkered, bumping into each other. So few embrace imagination, the key to progress and growth, internally and externally.
Here’s to an unrealistic existence. No, really.
Conor
March 11, 2011
Maria
Hi Margaret,
Wow, I’m impressed you started an ashram. I don’t know where I got the idea of “move to Tibet and start an ashram”. Perhaps there is something to be said for mental telepathy.
But, it’s good to hear from someone who did go start something overseas. According to most of my family and friends:
U.S. = safety. Rest of world= Why would you want to live in a socialist country? YOU’LL DIE HORRIBLY WAITING THREE DAYS FOR A DOCTOR!
March 11, 2011
Rozan
How do they define realistic or unrealistic anyway? Is something realistic because they can do it? And if something hasn’t been done before? Is it unrealistic?
Decades ago, a touchscreen computer is something that can only be found in Sci-Fi novels and movies. Now, you’ll find them everywhere you look. It’s the same with flying cars, moon exploration, and so on.
I think that when people tell you that what you plan is “not realistic”, they are more scared of you succeeding than you failing.
Great post Chris, as always.
With respect,
Rozan
March 11, 2011
Bleiu
I have a poem in which has the line: Define reality, Define reality. You cannot define it and sound sane. I think that everyone here has experienced those moments when you feel uplifted in a way where anything is possible, you feel like why not? This could be all an illusion anyways and I create my own, in fact for the proof all I need to do is look around. I bet none of you can look around and not admit that you created this or dreamed it up sometime in your past. For some reason we have to keep reminding ourselves through reading, seeing, believing, talking in places like this that we have the power in our own minds and energy to create anything. The reason not everyone does is because the weight of the naysayers and negativity in the world is paid too much attention to. It is hard not to when it’s in your face all the time. I am thankful for places like this so that it balances out and I know there are people like you guys that exist. It’s inspiring.
March 11, 2011
Kane Augustus
“You want unconventional? There must be something you admire in Charlie Sheen, to even mention that disgusting piece of filth’s name, and THAT is disturbing. He is nothing more than a woman beater, end of story, and any media interest (your’s included) that stoops to typing his name colludes to normalizing violence, devaluing women, and dehumanizing victimized sex workers. Men- YOU included Chris Whateveryourname is- deride the same women that they chase sexually… What a disgusting infantile lot you boys are. REALLY.”
Quoting what someone says is not supporting their character or deeds. A person can be right about something even if they are disgraceful.
Get your knickers out their twist.
March 12, 2011
Elizabeth Destouches
I once observed a women in a supermarket with a young son hanging on to the end of her trolley. She told him to get down because he could hurt himself on the shelves. He wouldn’t obey, so she purposefully bumped the trolley into the shelves, he got hurt, he cried, and then obeyed.
It’s one thing to resist the cynics and naysayers and not believe them when they call you unrealistic, but how do you resist someone you love who is prepared to sabotage things for you to prove you wrong?
March 12, 2011
Peter Paluska
Very well stated, Chris. Also, realistic and practical tend to get used a little too interchangeably I find. The point is, the definition of realistic is infinitely malleable so we can bend it to our needs and desires, thereby exerting our unique influence on it.
Cheers,
Peter
March 13, 2011
Nathan Sudds
Great post Chris! What always amazes me is how a simple deviation from the norm even seems “grandiose” and “unrealistic” to someone who has the mindset you are talking about…
The truly sad thing, which you talk about in your book is that the life people feel is so “realistic” is really quite “unrealistic” but that’s the life people have been sold. Unknowingly, they are becoming those grown up bridge jumpers you talk about. It’s deemed realistic by the masses but people have been living that way for so long and finding the reality at the end of it isn’t what they had hoped for….
March 13, 2011
Pamela
So glad I found this blog. Yes, I can relate to being labeled “Not Realistic”. As an intuitive life coach, I teach others about the law of attraction and do believe we create our own realities. What I teach my clients is that it doesn’t matter how realistic it seems to others, what matters is how aligned your energy is with what the reality you want to create. I believe we can create “unrealistic” realities if our energy is aligned with it. Some people have difficulty creating what to many people may seem like an “average” or “normal” reality because their energy isn’t aligned with that either (like many celebrities or creative types). Some people are much more aligned with “unrealistic” realities than others for various reasons.
March 13, 2011
Lisa Capehart
Ah, Chris, this one really struck a chord with me, because I’ve often been the one saying that something isn’t realistic! I’m the logical/analytical type who is an aspiring dreamer/creative type! Perhaps this is why I’ve married a musician and an artist! It’s become clear to me that this curse of reality has much to do with fear of the unknown for me – there’s safety and security in being realistic – or so we think! And, for many who tell us that we need to face reality, they are usually unhappy with their own choices and wish for the faith to take a leap into their authentic life. I’ve found that resisting reality causes a lot of angst – what works for me is to accept reality for what it is and work to re-frame that reality into a perspective that fits my vision.
March 28, 2011
hakuna matata
Another awesome post, the most realistic post i’ve ever read! Many from my surroundings says i’m unrealistic most of the time, especially my loved ones (my bf especially). And that i don’t have a logical thinking and at times ppl says i’m manic due to grandiose thoughts. Now i know why…..that’s simply because “their model sucks!” cheers!
April 1, 2011
Dean Williams
Well spoken, er, written! This one should be inscribed on a gold tablet. You cut right to the core of what it means to have a dream that inspires you. Someone else doesn’t get it? Doesn’t share the enthusiasm? So what? It’s not their dream. Follow your bliss, as Joseph Campbell said.
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