After your big adventure, you’re looking forward to the homecoming. The adventure was fun and challenging, but toward the end you’re ready for something familiar.
You find yourself daydreaming of friends, family, and the comforts of home. Then the big day finally arrives, when you say farewell to _____, your base of foreign surroundings for some time.
When you return, people are happy to see you, and you’re happy to see them. You swing by your old haunts, read the mail that’s arrived in your long absence, and try to settle back in. At first, it’s all fun and nice. My favorite foods! The old coffee shop. Things are easier here, and everyone speaks a language I understand.
But then, just as you missed home while you were away, you start missing away while you’re home. You remember the other coffee shop, the one you discovered on your adventure. The unfamiliar foods, so strange at first, that you learned to enjoy. Your small-but-important victories in learning to communicate in another language.
Many of your friends and family, who are otherwise intelligent and compassionate people, don’t understand what’s happened to you because they have no context for it. To them, your experiences far away are an “other,” in a place they’ve vaguely heard of but whose connection exists entirely with you. They listen politely to your stories, but they’re ready to move on long before you are.
“You’ll never guess what I saw!” you tell everyone you meet for weeks on end. “I’ve learned so much about the world.”
“That’s great,” they say. “Have you seen what’s happening with American Idol?”
***
When you went away weeks, months, or years ago, you were prepared for culture shock in your new surroundings. Coming home, the reverse culture shock hits you out of nowhere, which is all the more difficult because you didn’t expect it to be so strong.
It helps to talk with other people who’ve seen what you’ve seen, or who have been away on a big excursion of their own. They may not understand the specific experience you had, but they know exactly what you are dealing with in your reentry. As you go through adventure detox, it may also help to have an upcoming adventure in mind—something to look forward to as you blend your old life with the new.
But these things won’t completely solve the problem. There’s only one option: you must learn to keep some of the memories in your own heart. This is hard to do, because you want to share everything with the people you love… but even as you tell the stories, you realize there’s an unresolvable gap between an experience and its retelling.
It’s easy to begin doubting yourself, wondering if life on the other side was really that interesting, or if things really happened the way you imagine them now. Doubt your doubts! What happened was real; it just can’t always be passed on to people who weren’t there.
It doesn’t make the memories any less special; in some ways they are more special as you realize they can’t be easily reproduced for the world. Some things are yours alone to cherish.
###
Image: SeveralSeconds
March 7, 2011
Richard
I spent 10 years living and working in Africa before my wife and I decided it was time to come ‘home’. And the adventure detox as you put it Chris, was pretty heartbreaking. It had been an experience that was integral to who we were, yet no one was really capable of understanding our experience.
We had come back with thousands of photos (mainly slides). I had kept these hidden away for most of the first year, because I felt that if I spent too much time reminiscing or looking at them I would simply want to pack it all in and head back to Africa. But there were too many beautiful experiences (and beautiful photos) to keep them in their box.
Eventually we held an exhibition for family and friends. With each of the 30 photos was a short piece of writing describing the event through our eyes. We invited everyone we knew – many came – and the response was overwhelming. It cost us a fair bit of money, but allowed us to feel understood and acknowledged.
I think you understand Chris! Thanks
March 7, 2011
Kate
As always Chris your comments are spot on!
That seeming “rejection” from everyone at “home” really rocked me the first time, now I just expect it and hold back a lot more. Those precious memories are just safely stored away and hopefully many more will be added to them before I’m done!
March 7, 2011
Lucas
This same exact thing happen when you live abroad. Every time you go home, you are very excited in the beginning but then you start to miss the things where you live now. And people doesn’t seem so excited about the experiences you’ve had – Unfortunately. But what matters most is what all this experience brings to you as a person and gives you more tolerance and respect for other people, religion, opinions and cultures.
March 7, 2011
ze
Fantastic writeup! Im a musician and I love being in my hometown Kuala Lumpur as much as I enjoy traveling. So nice to find other people who feel the same way
March 7, 2011
Delores
You have both a way with words and a way of getting people talking.
When I was a college student I wasn’t very clued into world politics and took a trip with a friend where I ended up in a country undergoing a military coup. Martial law, curfews, tanks in the streets. When I returned home people wanted to know what I had been up to (nothing, I was clueless). But the worst thing was that I had seen things and KNEW things and what was on the local news was not what had happened. So everyone thought I was crazy because I had a different story. I did quickly learn to keep my mouth shut and after many years the official story has gradually shifted toward the truth.
Add in all the other stuff everyone is saying. So much food and so much shiny stuff at the mall and so many cars. I do feel that every time I leave and come back. I agree with the person who said you never recover. Heck, who would want to recover to where that seemed normal?
March 7, 2011
Doors Dude
This article has made me feel so much better. I travelled through Europe for 6 months and have been feeling what you described since i returned home. It was shocking to find that the only questions people really asked were “What job did you have?” or “where were you living” and maybe the occasional “how many girls did you shag?”
As someone else mentioned earlier, going on google maps and looking at some of the places you visited is a great way to re-live the happiness you felt. This can also enhance your longing even more though so be careful.
It’s always windy at the top.
March 7, 2011
Catherine Walker
Great post, Chris! Your words and everyone’s comments speak to the visionary in each of us that thrives on exploration, discovery and new connections. It’s so incredibly fulfilling, that connection aspect is still vibrating ~ humming along ~ when we return. It moves us to WANT to share it with others. It’s a kind of cherishing.
My daughter and I create scrapbooks like several other folks who posted. It seems to satisfy the inner as well as the outer. Next adventure will probably be an digital share as well! Thanks for your keen and tuned-in observations!
March 7, 2011
Sue Reddel
Lots of great comments here already. Chris you make an excellent point. Often people don’t want to take the time to understand what you’ve seen and done while traveling, especially if you’re gone frequently. However, I do find that sharing stories of specific conversations I’ve had with people in other countries and talking about their understanding of America always becomes an engaging discussion. People always claim they want to travel and learn about other cultures but they don’t usually want to take the time and energy to engage other people that are different. Learning that we all have more similarities than differences sometimes makes the topic of the latest reality show not so interesting after all. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
March 7, 2011
Caz Makepeace
I absolutely love this post and have written a lot about this topic on my own blog. When I first came home after 3 years away, it was quite a joyous experience as there were about 10 of my other close friends around me who had just returned home. I always had someone I could share my memories with. And at that time, I met my husband Craig and we began playing straight away our trip together around the world.
When we returned home after a 5 year honeymoon we went through a severe detox. It put us in such a low place, we didn’t really understand what was happening to us. We had our little girl during this time and it wasn’t long before we packed up our things and headed overseas again.
We have just returned after another 2 years away and again are struggling. We have learned how to deal with it now and have found lots of travelling friends to hang out with and we started our travel blog as a way to share our travel memories with those who want to hear them. Great post!
March 7, 2011
Guy Lawrence
Great post. That rang true on many levels.
I remember catching up with my best mate after my first big travel adventure, and was showing him some photos… His attention span lasted all of 30 seconds.. and hits you like a ton of bricks on how much you change.
Travel is a wonderful thing, and will be included at different stages always as part of my curiosity for life. But I soon learned to appreciate everyone and the choices we all make. Simply put, some of us love travel and can’t even contemplate a long adventure.
March 7, 2011
Karan
Great post. I recall boarding the plane home from Jamaica and having huge tears in my eyes (sad to leave)…the pleasure of being immersed in another culture is hard to describe to a friend or family member that has never stepped foot outside of their own country. Show them pics and describe the highlights I suppose. I have given up on attempting to explain the joys of traveling to a foreign country to those that have never been. I am not angry or upset with them – I just have resigned myself to the fact that they cannot relate. BTW – Jamaica is awesome!
March 7, 2011
judy
Thanks for sharing these beautiful, truthful sentiments. After living overseas for 15 years, I have found it very hard to “settle” back into American life. I don’t know if I ever will “settle”…the adventures, excitement, interesting people, global perspectives, cultures etc. etc… I feel ready to hit the road again but with teenagers you just can’t pull up stakes that easily anymore….
March 7, 2011
paola
Love this post, Chris! Always look forward to your posts but this one I can relate so much!!
March 7, 2011
Maggie Dodson
Look what you’ve started, Chris! Fascinating reading. I can relate so much of what is said here. When I first coined the term culture shock to describe how I felt like an alien back in my own tribal lands friends of mine laughed along with me thinking I was joking!
It doesn’t matter how much you try to reprogram you head on the plane home, coming from another culture, from 42c to 5c, travelling through time zones for 24hrs, changing accents as well as clothes and maybe languages too, travelling completely changes your perspective on life and living.
Some of these experiences can’t be told, or described even in a journal although I like attempting to unravel them there but the fact that I’m enriched is really all that matters. No-one else needs to understand, it’s just great when we find others who do feel the same, like here.
We probably expect too much of friends and family.
I put my energy into a creative project on returning. It helps. A lot.
And if I ache for a place, I return.
March 7, 2011
Amanda
Great post Chris! Can relate and it’s very interesting to read everyone’s comments. What an interesting group of followers
March 7, 2011
Angeline Munoz
Synchronicity. I posted a photo on twitter earlier today of a past trip saying that it’s fun to post photos and think back on that trip and be able to share at least the photo with others. I just finished posting on my blog about a trip within a trip (planning the next trip while still on a current trip). It’s almost painful though to not be able to impart the feelings/love you have of where you’ve been with everyone when you get back; they listen but don’t really hear sometimes.
March 7, 2011
Chea
What a lovely post. Honestly, I never thought about this before. Sure, I’ve always had the “travel detox” of things seeming very strange when first back at home, but just figured it was part of the interesting effects of travel. I find it rather enjoyable, actually.
I always maintain a diary and this relieves the desire to have to tell anyone about my experience. There are things that I could never verbally share as they are too mysterious and personal. One of the side affects of not saying too much is that friends keep asking about the trip! I guess it’s sort of the “cat syndrome”, which is, if you want to pet a cat, you need to ignore it and then it won’t leave you alone.
I’ve had the most amazing experiences in various places, and it’s truly wonderful to years later have some odd story to share. The life I’ve led while away from home feels like a secret warm blanket I take with me no matter where I am. It is a comfort and a joy.
March 7, 2011
Bronwyn
Great post, Chris! After 10 months away, my deepest fear was that I wouldn’t be able to hold onto the person I’d become while travelling – the person I discovered that I actually LIKED, the one who wasn’t afraid to strike up conversations with strangers and try new things. I was afraid that either friends wouldn’t like the ‘new me’, and wouldn’t understand the growth that I’d been through. Or worse, I was afraid that eventually I would revert to being exactly like the person I was before I left. I hated the thought that, after a few months, everything would return to ‘normal’ and it might feel as if I never went away. One thing I discovered (by accident) was that it helped to connect with people in my city who were doing exactly what I had done – gone to the other side of the world for an adventure. They’re the people who don’t mind hearing all your stories, and the ones who will help you feel like you’re still out there travelling and meeting new people. They’re the ones who get it.
March 7, 2011
Wyman
I know what you mean about telling your adventures to others (family) who have not traveled. Their attention span is very short.
Chris, you have all of us to tell your adventures to and we will listen and enjoy. I’m still waiting to hear about the African adventure you and your wife had. Talk and transcribe it into a book or report, please.
My wife and I went to high school in Beirut, Lebanon. Our school mates get together every three years to enjoy talking about old times and new adventures for days. It was such an adventure that it never gets old to us.
As more of us die off each year they my have to become memories that only I enjoy, unless I journal them.
March 7, 2011
Silvia
My girlfriend (born and raised in Armenia) and I (born and raised in Switzerland) have been living in the U.S. for years now. We both visit our home-country, family and friends regularly and call what happens when returning to the States “the mind-f$%k”.
March 8, 2011
John Sherry
Yep home is where the heart is but the world is where your spirit flys. The ying and yang of an adventurous life. You can’t have one without the other….until one day they become the one and same. Godspeed.
March 8, 2011
G
I am not sure this experience is limited to travel.
I have been living in different countries since I was 4 and have travelled a lot (not as much as you Chris, but I would say I probably travelled longer and deeper to the places I did go to).
On some level your post here is only a facet of the larger philosophical problem of human beings essentially being always and perennially alone, with only tiny flashes of connection to other souls, including our loved ones.
There is a name for it in philosophy I am sure, but ultimately it’s an existential problem. The only difference is one of scale. You notice after a trip because the “disconnect” is bigger, but it’s really there all the time if you pay attention. The only “solution” I have found is to become really very comfortable with who you are at a fundamental level. Looking IN rather than OUT is a lost art and particularly so in the West (USA and Europe), but it IS the answer.
March 8, 2011
Mary
Great post….I can so relate. Having returned to the USA after living in Beijing, China for 15 years you can imagine the culture shock moving into these United States. I look into my heart and visit my China memories often and plan little excursions to refresh myself. Thanks for such a profound post.
March 8, 2011
Jennifer Blair
On my first trip to Belize, about 5 years ago, I began a daily email to a small group of people. By the end of the week long trip, the “group” had turned into 25. I began a blog, for friends and family, and now on every trip I have a group of 50-75 who join me..on the good days and bad. When I return, they help me with my detox, welcoming me home but also celebrating my experiences.
March 8, 2011
Bluegreen
Unlike most of the readers I haven’t done a lot of traveling yet and seem like I keeping making too many excuses. I do know that I like just relaxing on my trips simply because I am not traveling all the time. I dont want to go on vacation only to need a vacation from the vacation itself.
March 8, 2011
Angela C.
Wow, this is SO true! I have experienced this on a few ocassions and as someone who loves to share with others, I really struggle with the disconnect between my own unique, one-of-a-kind experiences and the ability of my loved ones to connect with them. I think remembering, journaling and talking to the extent that you can all helps preserve the memories, whether in your own heart or through sharing them with others. Great post!
March 8, 2011
Cindy Kracen
This is so true! I want my friends at home who don’t travel to enjoy my trip through my telling of it, but that never seems to happen like I plan. They have no way to relate. I have learned so much on how we are all the same people, but just with different experiences. I want to share and pass it on.
And yes, home, where my heart is, is all the sweeter for where my heart loves to roam.
March 8, 2011
Amelie
That is exactly why I am not only looking forward to going home, but I am also scared. I have been away for nine month now, originally from Germany and now living in the States, and will go home in about four month. I talked with my family about being scared of going home, they dont understand. Once I am home, they want me to stay for longer, but I already now that I have to hit the road again and after a couple of weeks have to get out of my hometown.
Great post. I enjoy reading your blog so much!
March 10, 2011
Twangy Pearl
Well said (or written rather). I was saving this post in my reader and just tuned in during the commercial break of, gasp, American Idol. Too funny. Anyway, thanks for posting and posting and posting.
March 15, 2011
Fetu
Totally know the feeling.
A thing that helps me is to keep a list going while I am traveling of things to google and research when I get home to do with the country I have been traveling in. I find for about a year after, my mind and reading is still on that country and I am still learning about it. Then when I start to research for a new trip and then make a new trip the center of thought moves to another place.
August 15, 2011
craig
wow, sitting here in a coffee shop on one of my adventures and this post brought tears to my eyes. We leave for home tomorrow and I can already tell I’ll have to keep much of this trip in my heart. Thanks for the wonderful writing. It really touched me.
August 15, 2011
Shannon
Wow. This just completely summarized how I’ve been feeling. I’ve been home for a week after just over 5 weeks of being away. My heart is so heavy with memories that I will cherish forever. Thanks for this post; it helps to know I’m not the only one!
September 4, 2011
Sif
I get this feeling a lot. I’ve found that it helps to see coming home as another adventure. Remembering all the good things about home, so it doesn’t turn into an “I hate everything about my own country” pity party. Keep life exciting. And write. I write a lot when I travel, and I blog as well. So I don’t feel the need to talk about my experience except for sharing with a few very special friends, who are always happy to listen and share my joy.