This article doesn’t have much to do with travel hacking or unconventional work. And in fact, it will only apply to a minority of the people who read it.

If you’ve always had a great life and nothing truly unfair has ever happened to you, feel free to skip this one. There’s lots of other great reading out there elsewhere.

But for the rest of you—this one goes out to everyone who has had terrible things happen to them that weren’t their fault.

I had a list of examples here that I thought fit the subject. But then I took out the list, because who am I to judge what is terrible and what is just bad? In the end, only a person who has been victimized, abused, or otherwise harmed knows the degree to which they have been hurt.

So there are no examples, but if the shoe fits, you know what to do.

Good people, bad things—what’s up with that?

It seems that bad things and good people tend to go hand in hand, and when the two meet up, we naturally want to know why. It’s not fair, we say, as if this blunt observation could change anything.

Entire books, eulogies, and sermons have been devoted to this topic, and yet most of them arrive at the same conclusion: we don’t know why.

But the fact is that all too often, the weak enjoy a show of force over the strong. It gives them a sense of power that they are unable to achieve through legitimate means.

After become sidetracked from being hurt, some people fail to recover. They end up emotionally or spiritually paralyzed, unable to get beyond the hurt they feel even after a long amount of time.

I don’t believe there’s a 12-step program to fix this problem. If something like that works for you, great. But if not, here are a few other ideas.

1. Don’t be bitter; be neutral. What happened wasn’t OK, but bitterness will end up hurting you even more.

2. Reevaluate your life. Recovery is always a good time to look at what you’re doing and determine if you are finding fulfillment through it. Did something teach you that life is short? You’re a survivor for a reason, so make it count.

3. Do the things you were told you couldn’t do. If someone said you would never amount to anything, go and prove them wrong. Don’t do it for their attention, and don’t expect them to acknowledge it later. Do it for yourself.

4. Prove yourself wrong. Most people who have been sidetracked have allowed low expectations from someone else to come into their own life somewhere. You don’t need to prove anything to someone else, but prove yourself wrong and learn to set higher expectations.

5. Refuse to believe that you’ll never be truly OK. Why can’t you fully recover? Maybe you can, maybe you can’t, but don’t rule it out right from the start with the belief that you’ll always be a victim.

***

My favorite poem is Ithaca by Constantine Cavavy. I love it because the theme is pretty much Life, Work, and Travel. That guy was ahead of his time!

You can read the whole poem if you’d like, but here’s the introduction:

When you start on your journey to Ithaca,
then pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge.
Do not fear the Lestrygonians
and the Cyclopes and the angry Poseidon.
You will never meet such as these on your path,
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches your body and your spirit.
You will never meet the Lestrygonians,
the Cyclopes and the fierce Poseidon,
if you do not carry them within your soul,
if your soul does not raise them up before you.

It’s time to say goodbye.

The Lestrygonians, the Cyclopes, the angry Poseidon, and those people who sidetracked your life—the way you avoid them, or at least get past them, is to refuse to carry them with you.

That’s why YOU will ultimately win, as long as you can let go of the people who will ultimately lose.

What you do with those people is really not that important. What’s more important is to figure out what to do with yourself; how you’ll change the world in spite of what happened.

You’ll know you’ve accomplished this when those people become irrelevant in your mind. You don’t hate them, you don’t love them—you just don’t care. Maybe you even feel a little sorry for them. In the end, you win because you’ve shown yourself to be stronger.

Often the people who have been hurt the most are the ones who go on to true greatness. They’ve seen the other side, and they’ll do anything to make something better for themselves and those around them.

The best news some of these people can hear is, “You don’t have to be afraid anymore.”

What a crazy idea! Oh, and this is good too:

“I can be changed by what happened to me, but I refuse to be reduced to it.” -Maya Angelou

That’s all I have to say about that. We’ll return to travel hacking and general world domination next week.

Thanks for reading. Feel free to chime in if you’d like.

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Image: Melomane
]]> http://chrisguillebeau.com/3x5/what-to-do-about-those-people/feed/ 47 http://chrisguillebeau.com/3x5/never-save-it-for-later/ http://chrisguillebeau.com/3x5/never-save-it-for-later/#comments Mon, 31 Oct 2011 12:28:54 +0000 Chris Guillebeau http://chrisguillebeau.com/?p=5639

Here’s a simple, powerful tip for blogging, creating, storytelling, or whatever your art form may be:

Always share the best work you currently have. Never save it for later.

Earlier this year at SXSW I told a story about driving home late at night ten years ago and coming across a set of train tracks. It was a good story that I could have used for a few different purposes, and I wanted to save it for another talk happening two months later.

I couldn’t think of a better one that would work as well… so I told the story. Then I had the problem of needing a different story for the other talk, but that was a future problem—plenty of time to figure it out.

For my blog, I have several posts that are stored up for times when I get busy and aren’t sure what to publish on a particular day. These posts aren’t especially amazing, but they’ll do in a pinch. (The overriding rule is: NEVER break the schedule… the schedule is your friend.)

Once in a while I write something that I think is actually decent, such as this, this, or this. If I don’t need the post right away, I’m tempted to put it in the “desperate times, desperate measures” file, and sometimes I do for a while… but then I go back and think, what am I waiting for? If this thing is good—meaning that it has the potential to be valuable to someone—why save it?

The fun thing about creativity: the more you use, the more you get.

When trying to decide whether to use it or save it… use it.

When you’re trying to figure out what to share next… share the best thing you have.

Your best may not always be amazing or incredible… but whatever it is, use it.

Then move on and do it again.

###

Don’t be a stranger: Join the AONC community of 30,000 fans on Facebook, or circle me up on Google+.

Image: Topf

When you begin to share your important work with the world, a funny thing happens: some of the people closest to you don’t understand it.

They damn you with faint praise, or they point out something trivial that could be improved. Sometimes they never say anything at all, which of course is the worst thing.

When the time comes to show off your great project, you’re all, “Hey! Check out this thing that I did!”

And they’re all, “Oh. That’s nice.”

Nice?

You feel crushed because you desperately wanted their approval, even though you knew this was probably an unhealthy desire. (Just because you know something to be true doesn’t mean you always abide by it.)

You wanted—and expected—them to say, “This is great! I always knew you could do this. How can I help make it better? How can we tell the world about it?”

But no, you don’t get that at all. You just get the the faint praise, the brush-off, the indifference.

Then you realize… maybe this thing just wasn’t that important to them. Or maybe you didn’t know them as well as you thought you did. How sad.

But then! Another interesting thing happens.

All kinds of other people suddenly appear. Your fan club. Your support crew. A small army of remarkable people.

These people are all, “WOW. THANK YOU FOR DOING THIS. Here’s how my life is different because of the risk you took and the courage you displayed.”

You feel surprised. Refreshed. Energized. And most of all, you feel responsible to keep going, because you see it was good that you went ahead with your project even if you weren’t universally loved.

Some of the people you expect to be your biggest supporters will disappoint you—and some of the people you rarely thought about, or didn’t even know existed, will turn out to be your true friends.

This is how it works when you begin to share yourself with the world.

It’s a funny thing.

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Image: Jeff

I talked with my seatmate Rachel on the flight to Singapore. She was 6G, I was 6H—Cathay Pacific Business Class.

I was sitting up front thanks to my Platinum status and a big stash of Frequent Flyer Miles. Rachel was up front thanks to the global bank she worked for, which after a brief display of frugality was now back to flying even its junior employees in Business.

Rachel was the same age as me. She had traveled to much of the world, but hadn’t really seen anything. It was always running back and forth, flying to meetings, going to business dinners, arriving late at night back in the big Asian city where she was based before getting up early for more meetings.

It was obvious that Rachel was discontented, wanted something different, and had no shortage of intelligence and drive. Yet she was the first to admit that major change was unlikely. She had a good job. Her employer flew her Business Class and paid for her taxi from the airport so she wouldn’t have to take the bus. She had spent years applying herself to earn two finance degrees, and besides, what would her family think if she turned her back on a successful career?

The Camel in the Eye of the Needle

Why is it so hard to break free of a life that’s good enough to pursue the life we truly long for? We like to think these things are complicated, but the root cause is pretty simple: change is hard, so we tend to put it off until it becomes urgent. When the time comes to change, it becomes an overpowering presence; something that must be resolved one way or another. Maya Angelou put it this way:

The need for change bulldozed a road down the center of my mind.

In the AONC book I told the story of Sean Ogle, who left his job as a financial analyst with no real backup plan in place. The most interesting part of his story (I think) was when he met with his employer to propose a remote working agreement. Sean thought it was a win-win—he could see the world while still earning a regular paycheck and benefits, and his employer wouldn’t have to replace the position. Unfortunately, the employer thought otherwise. Not only did they turn down the proposal, they also presented a counter-proposal: You’re fired. They gave him two weeks to wrap things up, and he was so shocked that he didn’t know how to respond at first.

Thinking about it later that day, Sean was bothered by how the exchange had played out. He typed up some notes with his side of the story and sent them in a memo to the boss and H.R. rep. The response was quick: Forget the two weeks—you can leave right now.

Eighteen months later, Sean has turned out to do quite well for himself. Nice work, man! But from the outside, people tend to focus on the end result rather than the process, which is always filled with uncertainty. When Sean said farewell to his first real job after college, he honestly wasn’t sure what would happen next—he just knew that something had to change.

***

When the time comes where you’re willing to make a big break, you may find yourself facing down fear and trying to see through to the other side. Just remember: once you start going down the road of change, you don’t always know where you’re going to end up. This very reason is why many people remain stuck in discontent but unable to find their way out.

Will it be easy? Probably not, at least not if it’s worth doing. Will everything be OK? Maybe, maybe not. That’s why it’s scary.

Many people, like Rachel, will not be able to leave behind what is comfortable in pursuit of what is compelling. Others, like Sean, will find a way “come hell or high water” to follow the path of no return.

Is there a bulldozer on your horizon?

###

Image: Travis

I visited a large company to give a talk about non-conformity and adventure. From all appearances, it was a well-run company doing good things.

Many of the employees came up to me afterwards to chat, and I asked each of them, “How are things at _____?” Most of them said that things were good, and I had no reason to doubt them.

Others had a different response, and either from what they said or how they acted, it was obvious that they weren’t happy. Several of them talked with me confidentially and said variations of the following:

It’s not a bad job, but my creativity is very limited.

I liked it here at first, but now I feel stifled.

These statements were invariably followed by something like: “I shouldn’t complain, because everyone tells me how good I have it. Lots of other people have been laid off or can’t find a job in the first place. Besides, I have good benefits here.”

Hmmm. Yes, it’s good to be grateful for what you have. Lots of people do have it hard these days, and that’s unfortunate.

But here’s the thing: it can be a good job at a good company, but that doesn’t mean it’s good for you. In fact, if you’re constantly daydreaming of something else, having a good job can be dangerous. A good job can keep you from a big life.

Sometimes what makes sense during one season doesn’t make sense in another; a commitment that was fulfilling at one time loses its allure. In these situations, pretending all is well is usually the wrong answer. If you’re discontented, it’s up to you to make a change. And if it really is a good company or organization that has treated you well, you’re not serving it well in return by giving it less than your best.

Aside from remaining stagnant and trudging along, when you find yourself in a good job that no longer meets your needs, there are only two options:

1) Find a way to bring the joy back to the good job.

2) Find a way to say goodbye to the good job.

You might think that leaving is hard. Of course it’s hard—it would be much easier if it were a bad job. Then the situation would become urgent and you’d do everything you could to get out as soon as possible. But because it’s good enough, you stick around.

That’s why, one way or another, something has to change.

Question: Have you ever found yourself discontented in a good job? What did you do?

###

Image: Dick

I asked that question on our Facebook page recently, and got a lot of great responses.

Technically, I asked “Are goals necessary to achieve success?” – a lot of people accurately said that it depends on how you define success. I agree.

But let’s say that success includes working toward something other time, whether a career goal, a relational goal, or strictly a personal project.

Are goals necessary in the crafting of a meaningful life? Here are a few responses from the group:

Maggie Dodson: Sometimes goals can be manufactured to convince ourselves and others that we ARE busy doing what we should be doing. Better we follow the feeling, the passion, and walk towards the dream.

Angela Stauder: No – but defining direction/trajectory is. Pick a point on the horizon and keep moving toward it. Define the method of travel (boundaries, values, key actions). Sometimes it is important to get clear on what success looks like. There is no one perfect formula that fits every situation. The wisdom and skills to navigate are critical.

Yoshiko Inagaki: I think one needs to have a Vision. Then out of that Vision emerges Goals, but stay organic with the how-to-reach-the-goals.

Carlos Araya: If you don’t have goals how would you know how far you’ve gone?

Kyle McHattie: Yes. If you don’t know what you want, you have no focus. Without focus you wander aimlessly and are ineffective. You need goals to achieve success.

John Saward: I’m reminded of Spike Milligan’s snippet of wisdom: “We haven’t got a plan so nothing can go wrong!”

Derek Kei Lap Cheng: Goals are not necessary to achieve success, but they sure do help MEASURE success.

My favorite of all responses, though, came from Barbara Winter, who for some reason reads this blog even though she could write it much better than me. Here’s what Barbara had to say:

Most people would think it ridiculous to walk into an airport with a wad of cash, hand it over to the ticket agent and say, “Send me someplace.” Goals are simply chosen destinations that we’ve decided are worth the trip. Without them, somebody else may be deciding on the itinerary for us.

I won’t try to add much to such wisdom. Just one thing –

I’d never say that everyone needs to set goals, but I do notice that some of the objections to goal-setting always focus on “living in the present” and not letting life pass you by due to being too focused on goals.

My view is that the odds of life passing you by are much higher if you have no plan for life itself—which is why I like Barbara’s analogy. You’re not going to miss anything! In fact, you’ll probably have the opportunity to give and receive more than you would otherwise.

That’s my $0.02. But what do you think… are goals necessary? How has goal-setting worked (or not worked) for you?

###

Image: Angie

In an interview, Warren Buffett was asked what superpower he would like to be granted. His response: “I’d like to have the ability to read faster.”

I loved this answer, but when I shared it on Twitter, a few people said something like, “That’s dumb. If you read faster, you won’t retain the information.”

Ah yes, but it’s not about speedreading per se—since he’s a fairly smart guy, I’m pretty sure that Mr. Buffett understands the concept that we don’t retain everything we read. It’s not usually nice to assume, but in this case it’s a safe assumption that he’s talking about actually learning faster—the ability to consume and apply more information in a shorter period of time.

Here’s my response to the same question. If I could have any superpower in the world, of course I’d choose the ability to fly. Wouldn’t everyone?

A close second to flying would be the ability to become invisible at will. I’m not the only one who fantasizes about those superpowers, right? Both of them would have no shortage of fun applications.

But if I can’t fly or be invisible at will, I’d like to have this superpower:

The ability to always know exactly what to do next.

Harnessing this superpower would be of immeasurable value. I would be unstoppable. Instead, I sit at my computer for hours and think, “What’s next, right now? What’s most important at this moment?”

Sometimes—no, often—I get stuck. I have plenty of ideas, but I’m not sure what to do right now. Exercise or taking walks can help. Coffee helps. But I spend a lot of time staring at the screen, going from brick to brick, back and forth on things that are only somewhat related to what I really need to do.

When I do find the next step, I feel like I’ve stepped into a phone booth and emerged in a cape. I can fly! I can proceed with absolutely certainty. I’ve become unstoppable. And if you had this power, you would be unstoppable too.

When building a legacy project, or a business, or planning anything, the ability to have complete clarity about the next building block (not necessarily the whole plan, just the next step) would be a true superpower. Alas, like learning to fly or become invisible, this ability is elusive. That’s why you must periodically withdraw and ask yourself, over and over:

What’s the next step?

It doesn’t come naturally to most of us (that’s why it’s a superpower), but if you respect the process, you may find yourself endowed with this ability more often.

Then, fly!

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Image: Dashu

I did a media call for a journalist on the subject of “time management” recently. When I heard the topic, I was worried: one, I don’t think I’m that great at time management… and two, I’m not even sure such a thing exists.

You can’t manage time; it exists independently of any choice you make. I tend to think more about managing energy and managing projects—as for time itself, that’s another story altogether.

Yet, we all have to make judgment calls on where we should spend our time. I am an advocate for spending it deliberately: if you’ve got a spare hour, put it to good use. Or enjoy it by deliberately choosing to chill out. But don’t waste it, and don’t kill it. “Killing time”… what an unfortunate phrase.

***

Time is a jealous lover. If you mistreat it, you can start over, but you never get it back. It’s kind of like forgiveness without forgetting—it’s over, it’s OK, but it’s going to be different now.

Unfortunately, inertia and I are well acquainted. On any given day, I can choose to become the most informed New York Times reader. I can ensure that no one will know more about Frequent Flyer programs than me. I can attempt to rule the Twitterverse.

And I will get nothing done.

Alternatively, we can use the time entrusted to us. We can count down the 1,440 minutes in each day and put them to good use. Which will it be?

Sometimes it helps to put things in perspective: what one thing will you get done today? If nothing else happens, how will you help others while pursuing your own dreams? (These goals are not mutually exclusive.)

When you find yourself with time to spare, don’t kill it. Respect it.

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Image: KevB

I like thinking about hypothetical questions, and this one is a good start. Most of us have some kind of dream trapped within ourselves that has somehow become stifled by the fear of failure.

So, yes, it’s good to think about this question and bring your answer to the surface.

The problem, though, is that most things that are worth doing involve a real possibility of failure. Marriages fail, other relationships falter, businesses close their doors all the time. A big goal, like the ones we looked at recently, always involves a certain degree of risk.

How to Think About Your Life

On book tour I’ve been having hundreds of conversations about this subject with people from all walks of life. Figuring out what you want to do with your life is a hot topic, as is the fear of failure.

If you’re new to this kind of thinking, it helps to ask yourself these simple questions:

What excites you? Why do you get up in the morning? If time and money were no object and you had no pressing responsibilities, how would you like to spend your days?

What bothers you? What problem would you like to fix? There are all kinds of problems in the world… which one(s) are you most troubled by?

You can also try to remember if there was something you wanted to do as a kid, but then turned away from because it was discouraged by someone. Therein lies the source of all kinds of dreams that lost their way as you transitioned to something more “responsible”—and if you read AONC, you probably know that the pursuit of a big dream isn’t something you need to justify to others.

Back to Failure

Instead of thinking about what you would do if you knew you wouldn’t fail, maybe a better question is… What’s truly worth doing, whether you fail or succeed?

How would you answer that? You can share your answer here or you can keep it to yourself, but mostly I hope you do something about it.

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Image: Whatknot
Hat-tip: Kelly Newsome

For a long time I kept this image on my desktop so I’d see it whenever I opened my computer. It’s a good question to ask when you’re evaluating your career, your life, your whatever.

Otherwise you could wind up like everyone else, and if you’re reading The Art of Non-Conformity, I’ll assume you don’t want that.

So why publish this site? I’m glad you asked.

Because I figure there are plenty of other people telling you why you can’t do something or why you should take it slow and easy.

You can learn about balance or being well-rounded and cautious from anywhere. No shortage of advisors will tell you to “be careful not to burn out” by doing something you love. Take it easy, go slow, blah blah blah.

Over here you get the other message: it’s OK to be you. It’s OK to go all out in pursuit of your dreams. Other people have done it and so can you.

That’s why.

As I travel throughout the U.S. on my latest adventure, I’ve been meeting a lot of fun people, some of whom have read AONC for a while and others who are new. The message of the project is spreading far and wide, and a couple of people have asked: if non-conformity becomes mainstream, aren’t we all conforming? A clever question, no doubt, but it’s actually not that complicated.

I answered the question from my perspective in the AONC book, page 237 for those of you who have it. But in short, more people thinking about motivations sounds like a pretty good thing to me. I don’t think it will ever become mainstream, but I’m glad to know we’re not alone.

So, back over to you: why do you do what you do every day?

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Image: Libertine